


Girl Problems II (import from ff.net)

by moor



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Gen, Humour, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 12:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17161895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moor/pseuds/moor
Summary: What happens when a Fire Nation princess gets her little visitor? The sequel to 'Girl Problems'. ABANDONED.





	Girl Problems II (import from ff.net)

Title:  **Girl Problems 2: The Return of Girl Problems**  
Category: Cartoons » Avatar: Last Airbender  
Author: moor  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: Humor/Parody  
Published: 01-26-07, Updated: 11-16-07  
Chapters: 7, Words: 36,164

* * *

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

* * *

GP2: Part 01 edited & re-posted FEB28/07

**Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"  
** **Author: Moor  
** **Genre: General/Humour/Parody  
** **Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.  
** **Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".**

AN: Here we are, roughly 28-32 days after the original presentation of "Girl Problems": By somewhat popular demand, a second installment! This time, Azula gets a 'little visitor' – or is it her nemesis?! I admit this chapter is mostly set-up, so please enjoy the staging. I hope it is almost as good as the original "Girl Problems"! (Flame away if it's really terrible, though, haha!)

* * *

FIRE NATION PALACE

In the heart of the Fire Nation capitol, a great and terrible threat held war councils long into the night, strategizing and choreographing troop movements across a scale topographical map of the known world. High-ranking men and women clamoured around an impressive table that displayed the massive offensive's markers and borders. Each member had a cruel gleam in his or her eyes and practically seethed with bloodlust. They were the Fire Lord's most gifts tacticians, collectively his second pride and joy. The Fire Lord himself was leaning back on his throne, engrossed in their plans, when a question rang out for his attention.

"So which of the admirals will be leading the next attack on this region of the Earth Kingdom? We will need someone clever, to evade the local spy network."

"We'll need someone brave, to avoid being intimidated by the local saboteurs."

"We'll need someone ruthless, who'll get the job done if things get dirty."

Each suggestion brought a wave of murmurs with it, as the congregation debated potential warriors and chiefs, their merits, and their appropriateness for the sortie.

However, a new voice broke through the discussion and landed with leaden grace onto the war room floor.

"We'll need someone  _hot_ , to motivate the troops so they don't mutiny on the boats before they even get there. It's been a hundred years already – can't we get this war over with?"

The room fell deadly quiet at the traitorous protest. All eyes turned in the direction of the outspoken man, who visibly shrank at the attention.

"Er… I meant, 'charismatic'," he retracted, noting the disapproving glares. "To motivate the troops. Yeah. Charismatic." He laughed nervously, eyes darting around, and pulled at his collar.

Really, he was dead from the get-go, and knew so. His punishment wasn't long in coming.

"Guards!" called one of the councilors.

The rest of the attendees returned to their babble of plots and stratagems, ignoring their fallen comrade. As the man was unceremoniously led away, flanked by troops on all sides, the Fire Lord spoke in hushed tones with one of his close advisors. Nodding his head several times, Ozai dismissed the savvy ex-general and rose majestically, quieting the room.

"Answer me: who do you consider most suited to lead this attack?" His intimidating gaze swept the room, daring them to speak up: it was a test of sorts, to see who was brave enough to voice their beliefs and risk the criticism of their Lord and peers.

After a deliberate pause, a graying woman kneeled proudly and answered. "Admirals Bo, Po, Mo, and Pho, your Excellency," she said smoothly. "They are remarkable individuals in their own right, but together they form an invincible team, renowned for their cunning, resourcefulness, and aggression."

Ozai didn't fail to notice the glint of malice that shone in his underling's eyes as she pronounced the last word. She was a trusted, filial contributor, shrewd in her actions and calculated in her words. She deserved a promotion, he mused, once the mission was successfully completed—

"And they're also known for their keen fashion sense!" called out another voice helpfully.

The Fire Lord's eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly at the interruption of his thoughts.  _How dare someone interrupt me while I'm thinking!_  he snapped indignantly.

The fact that his minions could barely  _see_  him past the wall of fire that was always raging around his dais didn't even register with the one-man legion of doom. How they were supposed to know to not interrupt his thoughts, or know when he was thinking specific things, period, didn't even reach the uncharted waters of his self-delusion.

Well, such impertinence was easily remedied.

"Guards!" called out his nearest advisor, sensing the Fire Lord's displeasure.

Miffed at the interruption, but choosing to ignore it now that it was being addressed (with extreme prejudice, he noted pleasantly) by four large, armed sentries, the Fire Lord addressed his audience again.

"Are there any  _other_  concerns or nominations? If none present themselves, then the A-Team will be designated co-leaders of this mission," he stated, suppressing a chuckle.  _It was a pretty smart name for them, if I do think so myself_ , he smirked internally.

"'A-Team', your Highess?" asked one member hesitantly.

"'A' for 'Admiral', genius!" sarcastically whispered another voice under his breath.

"Oooh…"

The sound of a dozen battle-hardened curmudgeons face-palming themselves rang out in the war room.

"Uh, your Majesty, with all due respect," advised one of the older gentlemen with utmost humility, "the troops did express some reluctance the last time the members of the 'A-Team' were named as co-commanders of a fleet-force. I heartily agree, they are excellent warriors, however one cannot discount their, er… particular  _'rapport'_  with their subordinates, and their subordinates' feelings towards them and willingness to follow them in battle."

Nods and sounds of agreement rippled through the attentive crowed, and the Fire Lord observed them carefully as he digested their whispered comments.

"Great leaders, yes… but there's something a little different about them…" started one voice cautiously.

"Too much drink and women, I'm sure that's all it is," added another with false confidence.

"No, not that… not the women, anyway."

"There was that one time they organized the cabin-redecorating challenge among the officers…"

"And that seminar-series they gave on hygiene and aesthetics…"

"I remember my former navigator said something about them having a beauty contest on board to raise morale at one point."

"That isn't that strange, really. Usually lots of joking around, and-"

"-And all the contestants were men."

"And wasn't there a rumour about them forcing a pair of guards out of their room to sleep in the kitchen pantry during one mission, just so the A-Team could turn their cabin into a kennel and parlour for their teacup dodo-dogs?"

"And their chinchilla-bunny, too."

The sounds of agreement had morphed into sounds of uncertainty. The Fire Lord took it all in, unwavering. There were some very valid concerns here.

"But they are gifted strategists, and have never failed in their missions."

"And they're completely loyal to the Fire Nation."

"Best soldiers I ever trained!"

"Brilliant, really, each of them—only ever met one person who could best 'em."

 _A-ha! That's what I needed to hear_! crowed Ozai triumphantly, though his face remained impassive and distant.

"Advisor Hsu, who is better than the A-Team?" demanded Ozai, fixed on the most recent speaker.

Bowing low and keeping his eyes on the floor in front of him, the former Minister answered clearly, "Your most esteemed daughter, her Royal Highness Crown Princess Azula, my Lord."

 _Thank the Spirits it wasn't the whelp – now **that**  would have been awkward,_ mused the Fire Lord with relief.

"Excellent contribution, ex-Minister Hsu," complimented the Fire Lord as he stroked his bearded chin pensively. The ex-Minister bowed and retreated a few steps back. After a moment's reflection, Ozai dropped his hands and motioned to the court stenographer to pay attention to his dictation. "Crown Princess Azula will someday lead our great Fire Nation well. To help her gain valuable leadership experience, she will oversee this sortie. She will ensure its success and maintain order among the soldiers. I motion to have this Regal Supervision instated as part of the battle plan. Objections?"

Crickets rang out through the hollow room.  _Did the Fire Lord seriously think they all wanted to die that day?_  they wondered incredulously.  _Really?_

The Fire Lord deemed their silence endorsement.

"Excellent. I will leave the Sages with you to determine the most fortunate dates to launch the attack. Dismissed." The nobility bowed to their leader while he descended the dais steps, robes swishing around him as he exited the War Room.

As soon as the heavy doors closed behind their penultimate commander, the advisors gossiped madly like school children, some not even bothering to raise their robe-sleeved hands to muffle their voices.

"He's playing favourites again!"

"Is it true the A-Team keeps a male harem on board when they set sail on missions to endure longer than 2 days?"

"He's always like this at this time of the month. Two weeks before a full moon—ever noticed how he's always trying to ship Princess Azula out of the country?"

"I think you're exaggerating – seriously, you're as bad as that guy I just heard claiming the A-Team insist on weekly manicures and facials for all the on-duty bridge officers. Not to promote health and hygiene on board, just to make them look prettier while they stare out over the sea…"

"Besides, we need to wait for the Fire Sages to finish up their scrying so they can tell us what date to launch the attack."

"I suppose you're right. But really, Azula and the A-Team gone… Things will be quiet around here for a while."

A few heads nodded in agreement… and closeted relief.

"Well, if it hadn't been for Iroh always annoying Ozai about it when they were children, we might've been able to organize a sporting tournament of Pai Sho… Too bad it's forbidden now," interjected one voice bitterly. Others murmured in sympathy.

"Co-ed, naked Pai Sho?" exclaimed one hopeful voice. Several nearby people released groans of irritation.  _Does it never end?_  they lamented.

"Guards - ," they whined, but the soldiers were already swarming the guest, a woman this time.

"Yeah, yeah, we got it…" sighed the chief of the palace sentries from behind his helmet.  _Spirits, why they kept allowing former Admiral Zhao's half-wit cousins into the War Room was beyond him… Couldn't someone just Agni Kai them out of the gene pool already? Geez…_

The Fire Sages filed out to hermit themselves in their scrying chamber for the night, vowing to deliver their ordinance at sunrise.

* * *

OZAI'S STUDY

"So once the Sages deliver their blessing on the mission, you're to ship out with the crew of the new flagship, the  _Debilitating Crimson Tide_. It shouldn't take more than a few days to arrive at the intended battle theatre, so prepare yourself well, Azula."

"Of course, Father." Bowing low in deference to her sire, Azula's eyes glittered in anticipation of the carnage. The memory of sulphury-smells, blood, and charred flesh mingling and wafting by on a swift breeze filled her head with visions of glory and the subjugation of her lessers. This battle would be the landmark to launch her illustrious career… She felt heady with the promise of power. "And which officers will make up the A-Team I am to oversee?"

Almost smiling at his daughter's eagerness, Ozai handed her a scroll with the battle's intended strategies and troop movements described within. "You've met them before: Admirals Bo, Po, Mo, and Pho. I understand they are quite accomplished, so you should not expect any opposition from them."

For a split second, the princess's vicious smile faltered. She recovered quickly and maintained her composure under her father's intense scrutiny, hoping she had not given away her displeasure.

"I look forward to such a deserving challenge, my Lord. I will not fail."

"See that you don't," he warned in intimidating tones. "Good night, Azula."

"Sleep well, Father."

As soon as Azula returned to her room, she stood by her desk and reviewed the battle strategy described in the scroll her father had left her. The plan itself seemed nearly flawless, the war council had outdone itself this time – and she caught herself licking her lips at the mention of the use of the flying machines and their expected aerial advantage.  _Heaven raining fire instead of water_ , she mused.  _The utter destruction it would unleash…_

The only unpredictable variable, the quasi-Shroedinger's cat, if you will, was the blasted A-Team.

Eyes narrowed, Azula gripped a writing brush in a clenched fist.  _By the Spirits, why did it have to be **them**?_

She took a brief, meditative breath and let it escape through her teeth slowly, savouring the fiery hissing noise it made, like a piece of rice paper igniting. As long as they were the only variable she had to accommodate, she would successfully completely her mission, and return home to her destiny, a war-hero. She had to, really, and she knew it. She permitted her imagination to run wild with the notions of victory…

 _Yes, they would call it the Great Battle of Azula_ , she fantasized,  _compounded with the advent of_   _Searing Rain_. She would defeat them all. The A-Team was the only real element that could pose a challenge, but she expected that even they would fall to her control. She could practically smell the smoke of conquest already. She breathed deeply in satisfaction.

Pausing, she wrinkled her nose.

Azula sniffed. And looked down.

Her battle plan to victory was engulfed in flames in front of her. She'd been so intent on her fabricated fortune, she'd inadvertently ignited her stratagem. She raised one eyebrow before heading for the door to the hallway. "I'm sure someone else will have a copy…"

Unphased, she walked out and bellowed—

"Guards!"

-before she went in search of Ty Lee and Mai to share the good news. And drag them along with her.

* * *

THE FIRE SAGES' PERSONAL CHAMBERS

The Fire Sages stood around a large fire pit, shoulder to shoulder, deep in concentration.

Finally, one broke the tense silence. Raising his hands in reverence, he cleared his mind and spoke out to his peers. All turned to him in expectation.

"Now I know this goes against our moral code and all," he started somewhat less impressively than expected, "but I don't want to decide this on my own if everyone isn't going to back me up."

The others muttered and looked away.

"Ok, now, I know we haven't told the Fire Lord yet about how  _someone_  accidentally lost the scrying stick and how we've been flying by the seat of our pants for the last few months-"

"You know, if it hadn't been for that damn Avatar problem, I'm sure everything would've still been fine—"

"AT ANY RATE," said the first sage, glaring pointedly at the one who'd just complained about their biggest challenge and who he was SURE was the one who'd lost their guild's most prominent relic, "we need to come up with a date to give everyone for this big fight-thing they're itching to pick with the Earthies. Since we're ultimately powerless without our stick, we need to put our heads together and crunch some numbers."

He again looked out over his peers, hoping someone would share a moment of brilliance.

They stared back at him dumbly.  _Definitely not the brightest bunch of bulbs in the box…_

Sighing, he decided to put forth his own suggestion.

"Look, we're technically, temporarily impy until we find the scrying vessel again. Deal with it. My only advice is that we get the damn princess out of here by the full moon so we don't have to deal with her while she goes batshit insane for 3-5 days. Do I need to remind you of the last time?" He gave them a knowing look, and was rewarded with looks of terror and grief. "Exactly. So what do you think? Give them some kind of vague middle-of-the-month-and-next-full-moon-type spiel and hope for the best for them in battle?"

A few shrugs, some 'whatevers', and a 'sure, I guess' floated about.

"Wow. Really guys, this kind of enthusiasm is going to wear us out," he commented cynically.  _Seriously, some people have no work ethic at all these days_ , he judged.

Sighing again, he went to stand by the Sage stenographer. "It is by Fire Sage decree that… " he started dictating to the attentive monk, and gave an official-sounding oration of bullshit.

"Ok, looks good enough," he said, eyeing their work when they finished. "Now hopefully this doesn't FUBAR us all. I'd hate to lose that pension." Rolling up the scroll and adding the trademark Fire Sage seal, he turned to his colleagues with a grin. "So who's up for some Co-Ed Naked Pai Sho with the nuns?"

/TBC

* * *

/AN: I know, not as strong and humorous a first impression as the original, but it gets better!  
/AN: Kudos to the first person who gets the "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" quote!

* * *

**Chapter 2: Chapter 2**

* * *

GP2: Part 02 edited & re-posted FEB28/07

**Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"**   
**Author: Moor**   
**Genre: General/Humour/Parody**   
**Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.**   
**Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".**

AN: By somewhat popular demand, a sequel to "Girl Problems" – "Girl Problems 2: The Return of Girl Problems"! This time, Azula gets her turn! In this chapter, the Fire Sages pronounce the date of the battle and we meet Admirals Pho and Po.

* * *

IN THE GREAT HALL OF THE FIRE NATION PALACE

 

The Chief Fire Sage noticed with some trepidation, as he made his way to the Dais of the Sages in the Great Hall, that a number of his colleagues were having an inordinately difficult time following his somber lead. Their solemn march was occasionally marked by unbalanced steps, jostles, and, despite their best efforts, at least two of the Esteemed Wise Ones were leaning against each other every step of the way, essentially propping each other up.

In short, the majority of the Sages were still quite hung-over from the night's 'scrying' with the nuns.

Reaching the top of the Dais, he stood behind the Alter of Agni, raised his hands, and began the proclamation (praying to Agni simultaneously):

"By order of the Great Agni, the Original Spirit, the True Fire," he began, "Please hear our prayers."

_Please let me live through the humiliation I **know**  will come to pass._

"Your guidance has never faltered, our devotion is absolute."

_Just don't let any of them fall off the Dais into the crowd and kill a noble. I'm begging you._

"We have communed with your Pure Spirit, and seek your way."

_Ok, to be completely honest, we communed with the sacramental wine – but we **were**  searching for you. We just lost our stick in transit. Hey, yeah, if you see that thing, could you send us a sign, please? We're still looking for it…_

"By your blessing, we pronounce your judgment:"

_Look, you'll have to forgive us for this one, we just made it up. See the stick-thing above._

"On the week before the full moon, may your esteemed descendant set sail with our Great Nation's troops, and may their battle begin the day of the full moon, when they are at their most powerful."

_Well, we're pretty sure that's when Azula will be most… uh, how to say this politely to a Great Spirit… "Predisposed to follow her nature." And yes, we know that waterbenders are also likely to be at their most powerful, too—but I'm sure Azula will be able to cover things. We'll leave that in your hands, her being your descendant and all…_

"We thank Agni for his blessing, and the spirit in which it was given. All about, all return, blessed be."

"Yeah, let's hear it for the spirits – all 20 litres of 'em!" he heard one of the Sages mumble drunkenly to his neighbour, before hiccupping.

The Chief Sage prayed fervently none of the audience members had overheard the comment.

The nobles bowed and repeated "All about, all return, blessed be," and the commanding Sage led the rest of his followers away, as quickly as he dared, back to their common room. The Fire Lord was watching them closely, he noticed. The Chief knew to expect a visit from their great leader, going by the look on his face. If he was really lucky, he'd be able to come up with a reason to need 'extended solitary communal time with Agni' before Ozai showed up. Another hiccup from behind him. He winced.  _REALLY lucky…_

 _Please watch over our soldiers, Great Agni. I pray for their safe return_ , he finished silently.

One of the Sages behind him giggled. And then fell down, and giggled harder.

 _Great Agni, I pray for myself, too, actually, if you have time_ , added the Chief Sage desperately, as he rolled his eyes and heard another Sage quickly haul the fallen man to his feet and drag him along.  _I have my work cut out for me with this lot_.

* * *

ON BOARD THE 'DEBILITATING CRIMSON TIDE', LOADING AT THE FIRE NAVY DOCKYARD

 

Azula was not impressed with the Fire Sages' declaration, but she was going to do her duty and bend the Earth Kingdom scum to her will, come Hell or high water. In fact, she dared it to be more the latter than the former, just to keep things interesting.

She watched as her trunks were loaded up the gangplank to the ship, carried by her personal palace servants, while Ty Lee and Mai observed the goings-on with a curious and casual eye from beside a pile of crates nearby. Azula's trunks contained all her necessary personal items, her spare armour (the dressier set, for special occasions), and all her… girl-things, too. She'd vowed they weren't to leave her sight until they reached her cabin securely. She was supervising the loading of all her own possessions, along with overseeing the ship's provisioners. Boring, but necessary, as she had to make sure no one brought any contraband aboard, or other unnecessary items. The boatswain, also known as BOSN, was doing most of the work, but she was there to make sure he did it well - and intimidate those who dared flaunt their indiscretions.

"No, you are not allowed to bring an inner-tube with you on board to have the ship tow you on the 'off-days'," drawled the boatswain as one soldier tried to sneak in a large, tightly-bound package. "This is a war, young woman, not summer camp."

"Yes, you can bring pictures of your family." BOSN's eyebrows rose into his hairline as the pictures were brought out for inspection. "Not pictures like  _those_ , though!  _Agni preserve us, soldier, what in Spirits' name possessed you to take a picture like **that**  and bring it aboard?…_"

"No, we don't follow Prince Zuko's code of musical-instrument restrictions – you are welcome to bring as many Sungi horns on board as you can carry. We only request you not play them all simultaneously."

"No, you aren't permitted to bring your mistress with you for 'personal sanctuary and the occasional conjugal'. Or your girlfriend. Or her sister. Or her best friend…"

"That also means you can't bring them with you all-together, either, sir. Kindly ask them to remove their costumes, kiss them goodbye, and return to shore in a respectable fashion—NOT IN THAT ORDER! OH MY SPIRITS, stop that  **right now**! I order you all to DEBARK THIS INSTANT! GET OFF THIS SHIP, YOU MORAL DEGENERATES! And YOU over there, stop staring! And YOU, NO you CAN'T join in! All of you, back to work!"

Pausing for a moment to calm his hysterics, the flagship's operator turned to the next crewman in line. "Yes, you can bring your rubber turtle-duck…" By now he was rubbing his forehead with a hanky and hoping the vein there stopped throbbing soon. Sighing, the excitable man ticked another name off his list. And prayed for patience. They hadn't even left port yet…

Princess Azula's attention was severed from the amusing, though monotonous supervision by the nearby outbreak of lupo-chicken squawking, however. Snapping her head in the direction of the noise, she saw that one of the ship's containers of live provisions had been dropped, and its cargo of foul fowl were skittering all over the deck, making their haphazard break for freedom. Her duty as ship's superintendent, and her general dislike of chaos, spurred her into action and she began ordering the chickens rounded up and restrained. Looking around, she saw one man trying to sneak away from the scene of the crime (and his duties), and called out to him, her voice razor-sharp with authority, "You there! Return to your station at once when you've assisted the others with the quarantine of the provisions. You look like an admiral, you should be leading by example! What kind of dedicated soldier to the Fire Nation, are you?" He turned towards her voice slightly and rushed to salute her. The Princess nearly paled at the look of joy that crossed the man's face upon recognizing her.

 _Oh no, not him of all people_ , she realised dismally.

Admiral Pho grinned widely and waved in comically-exaggerated fashion at the princess before starting towards her- His Boss. The woman he idolized above all else. The enraptured look on his face was enough incentive for Azula to decide that yes, it was time to  _delegate, delegate, delegate_ , and get the Hell away from the main deck and her mortifying admirer, as fast and as dignified as possible. She wasn't avoiding him, she was just… seeing to more pressing matters. Every single one of them. Before she was ever going to deal with him.

Suddenly deciding her job as the A-Team's Supervisor could start  _after_  she'd settled herself into her quarters, Azula ordered the mate to oversee the cleanup on deck and purposefully walked back to the area she'd left her servants, intending to direct them to her room. To her astonishment, the servants were nowhere to be seen.

And neither were her trunks.

Even her trunks of girl-things were missing.

The young woman's shock (and subsequent analysis of the situation and listing of Most Likely Places to Find her Girl-Things), was jarringly interrupted by the recurrence of a most unfortunate circumstance…

"Your Majesty! Your Majesty Azula! It's me, Admiral Pho! Hi! Hey, remember me? I'm an admiral now! Your Majesty! Your Majesty, I'm over here! Can you hear me, your Majesty? Crown Princess Azula? Wanna see my Admiral's badge? It's really impressive! Your Majesty!"

…An unfortunate circumstance called  _'Admiral Pho'_. (She called him 'Admiral Fool' around Ty Lee and Mai. She'd have to watch her mouth while she was on her ship.  _Mental-voice only_ , she reminded herself swiftly.)

The over-eager shout behind her rang out loudly across the ship's metal deck, and every pair of eyes turned to the yelling man who was parting the crew (and chickens) like the Red Sea, in Herculean effort to reach her side.

Ty Lee and Mai had already moved into place just behind their leader and were following her through a doorway into the ship's depths. Ty Lee glanced back at the exuberant fanboy who followed closely after them. She squinted her eyes at him, before a look of recognition blossomed across her features and she waved.

"Pho! How are you?" she called to the man cheerfully, still following Azula. The Princess kept her eyes forward and ignored them both.

"Lady Ty Lee! Lovely to see you again! I see you're with your Mistress, how fortunate. I'm fine, by the way, thank you for asking. Hello Lady Mai, how are you?" Silence. "So, Lady Ty Lee," he gave a gigawatt smile and climbed over a few more soldiers, still trying to reach the departing women. "What are you up to on the ship? Just here to oversee the supplies and bless the mission?" He was trying to tidy his hair and straighten his uniform, all while chasing them across the deck. Some crates fell off their loading-dolly and cracked as they hit the ship's deck, spilling grains across the bolted metal plates.

Ty Lee shook her head no, bouncing back and forth on her feet. "Oh no, we're coming along! I can't wait to go to war!" she giggled back, excited.

"You'll be joining us then? Uh… All of you?" Pho asked hopefully, nearly running into a bolt of cable that was littering the ground. "Are you joining us for the voyage then, your Majesty?" he broached, trying not to sound overly eager (and failing quite spectacularly). He leapt deftly over a group of men chasing a random lupo-chicken that squawked in terror at his stumbling rush. More crates crashed behind him as people jumped out of the way to avoid the hell-bent admiral.

"Ty Lee," was all Azula said, but the meaning behind the casual tone was clear to her friend. Smiling apologetically to Admiral Pho, Ty Lee bounded over to the young gentleman and quickly bowed to him.

"I'm  _really_  sorry to do this to you, Pho, but Boss's orders!"

Pho gave her a confused look (coupled with his endearing, friendly grin) before the deck of the ship leapt up and smacked him in the face.

The rest of the crew were doubled-over with laughter a moment later as Ty Lee skipped back to Azula's side, Admiral Pho laid out uncomfortably on his back on the baking metal deck of the ship. Shifting his weight just enough to make his head loll to the side to watch them walk away (upside down), Pho smiled back at the retreating women.

"I'm ok, don't worry, your Majesty! I'll see you at supper in the Officer's Mess! Can we eat together? I can carry your tray for you! Rest assured, it'll take more than this to keep me down!"

"Duly noted," muttered Azula, stepping from the bright deck into the ship. She took a dark corridor that would lead to their quarters.

"Old friend?" asked Mai in an uninterested tone. Ty Lee giggled, knowing Mai was just teasing their friend.

Azula ignored her, preferring instead to continue the search for her missing-in-action possessions.

"They can't have taken them far. Search the officers' quarters – there's no way those servants would have dared go below decks. I want them back, now." Her eyes were icy and focused on something only she could see.

Ty Lee and Mai looked at each other and shrugged. Ok, so they'd search for a bit and then send some lackeys out to do the rest. They had more interesting things to do. Hopefully the A-Team's Harem would provide them some entertainment while they were away at sea. (They'd gotten a good, long, purely appreciative look at them as they'd boarded. Ty Lee hoped there was a juggler among them…)

* * *

SOMEWHERE BELOW DECKS ON THE 'DEBILITATING CRIMSON TIDE'

 

The servants followed the pair of soldiers uneasily. This didn't look like their Princess's type of quarters, and they really hadn't wanted to leave the main deck in the first place. Some soldiers had ordered them out of the way during the lupo-chicken fiasco, and somehow they'd eventually ended up in the belly of the ship, still dragging their cargo behind them. Other crewmen passing by had shown them the way out, luckily, but by then the Princess had left the main deck and the boatswain had been apoplectic with rage at his debauched, miscreant crew, so they didn't dare bother him.

Now they were following the directions of another soldier, a very kind one who'd taken one look at the trunks and immediately routed them to the Officers' Quarters.

Stepping into the lavish hallway, the servants immediately breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow, this corridor had lots of light, lush plants, and plaster mouldings along the floor and ceiling joints. This was definitely more representative of the Regal Accommodations to which they were accustomed. Stopping in front of the most impressive doorway they could find, the lead servant rested a moment before rapping smartly on the door.

Almost smiling with the notion of soon returning to the familiar Fire Nation Palace, it took a moment for the servant to realize that the person answering his polite knock wasn't his Mistress, Princess Azula.

Admiral Po, his hair in rollers and a beauty-mud mask expertly caking his face, delicately swung open the door before his eyes brightened at the sight of the handsome young servant-men. He started clapping enthusiastically.

"Ooooh!  _Pressies!_ " he cried, exalted, before noticing their trunks and crates. "And you brought gifts, too! Oh, do come in, come in,  _come in!_ "

* * *

(HEARD AMONG THE CREW AND SOLDIERS ABOARD THE 'DEBILITATING CRIMSON TIDE')

 

"Five silver on Pho getting his ass handed to him by Ty Lee, Mai,  **and**  the Princess by breakfast."

"Ten silver on the Princess's hench-wenches cock-blocking him."

"Four gold on Pho getting a kiss in with her Highness before we return to the Fire Nation."

Raucous laughter resonated through the mess hall. "If that happens, I put ten gold on the Princess shooting him full of blue lightning in appreciation!"

"And if she doesn't, twenty gold on her daddy doing it thereafter!" More boisterous laughter and comments rang out.

The hooded stranger calmly took down all the bets in the Secret Fire Navy Bookie Ledger, storing all monies in the Secret Fire Navy Bookie Cashbox. No one knew who the bookie was, but the betting was always better when the mysterious individual was around.

The bookie's hand raised, indicating there were only a few moments left for the attendees to place their bets. A few rushed orders later, a chart was drawn up to indicate all the bets and expected odds for each. It would be placed in the crew's mess hall, and would be updated frequently. It was tradition to have some kind of game to motivate the crew and keep them out of trouble on missions, and gambling (nothing too elaborate or dangerous, obviously) was as good as any to keep everyone's minds off their mission, to relax.

And to feed the gossip mill.

Each crewmember bowed to the bookie before exiting, and when the room was silent, the bookie closed the door, counted the money, and calculated the final tally.

 _Yes_ , thought Mai, shifting her hood to let her dark hair fall across her shoulders,  _things would definitely be interesting **this**  time…_

TBC

* * *

/AN: We finally meet two of the admirals! I can't wait to bring in Bo and Mo!  
/AN: It will be getting funnier soon, don't worry! I'm working up to it!  
/AN: BTW, the "Buffy" quote from the last chapter had to do with the A-Team's "keen fashion sense". This is a line from the original Buffy movie that came out back in the early '90s. Hilary Swank and Luke Perry were in that movie. This was a LONG time before Hilary got her Oscar nod. You've been warned…

 

* * *

**Chapter 3: Chapter 3**

* * *

GP2: Part 03 posted FEB28/07

**Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"**   
**Author: Moor**   
**Genre: General/Humour/Parody**   
**Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.**   
**Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".**

AN: By somewhat popular demand, a sequel to "Girl Problems" – "Girl Problems 2: The Return of Girl Problems"! This time, Azula gets her turn! In this chapter, Azula is immediately put to work as Supervisor of the Damned Admirals. She runs a tight ship, so nothing should go wrong.

That doesn't mean anything will go  _right_ , however…

* * *

IN ADMIRAL PO'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

 

The servants hesitated and wondered briefly if their survival rates were any higher with this strange man than they would be with Princess Azula, were she to find them at this point. Resigned to their fate and ultimate misery, their shoulders slumped and they followed the strange, effeminate man into his posh suite.

"Oh goodie, your spirits are already broken! Well, that saves on the icebreakers," remarked Admiral Po as he tapped his freshly-exfoliated chin with an expertly-manicured nail. He brightened. "Would any of you care for a chocolate martini? I just find them  _divine_!"

The servants down the alcohol in the hopes it would numb their discomfort.

The aesthetic man then turned to them and had them follow him to the training 'suite' just off his own, and indicated they would train daily in swordsmanship there while they were at sea.

He picked up a training blade and took a few practice swings, trying to motivate them. "I hope you like it rough," he said silkily to them, eyelids lowered seductively.

Fear blossomed anew among the Princess's man-servants.

* * *

HALLWAY, FIRE NATION PALACE

 

"—just keep looking, we have to find it soon," instructed the Sage patiently.

"I didn't lose it, and I don't want to keep looking for it," moaned the second Sage.

"We're all doomed if we don't find it soon, so quit whining and keep your nose to the ground."

"I don't want to be a Fire Sage anymore," he pouted, adjusting his hat.

The Fire Lord, accompanied by several advisors, walked around the corner of his palace and came upon two Fire Sages on their hands and knees. They were desperately looking for something under the heavy, lacquered furniture in one of the guest-parlours. The Fire Lord held up his hand to halt his entourage while he observed the unusual scene a few moments more, his presence unnoticed by the Sages.

"That scrying vessel has to be around here somewhere," reassured the first Sage. "And keep your voice down – we can't let his Majesty find out or the whole Nation will discover we made up all that garbage about the 'sacred day' on which to send Crown Princess Azula off. Can you imagine how much trouble we'd be in?" He popped his hat down on a table so he could get a better look at a tight space between a table and the wall.

"Yes, I can," said the Fire Lord gravely, but the monk had his head half-buried under the low table again as he reached underneath it to pat around for the elusive relic.

"No, I don't think you could, you pea-brain, gutless, whining, son-of-a—" the Sage turned around to face his colleague, but was met instead with the Fire Lord's icy glare.

He felt his words shrivel up in his mouth and die. (Among other things.)

Stuttering uncontrollably, the Sage scurried backwards and bumped into the sideboard behind him, clutching at his robes and throat. "You-you-you-your Majesty!" he managed, completely terrified. He immediately bent his bald, sweaty head down to the floor, prostrating himself in front of his master, his fellow Sage automatically following suit.

The Fire Lord stared down at the two monks, and his eyes narrowed to slits.

"You will come with me," he commanded, and his deep voice held not anger, but quiet fury.

Tripping over themselves as they stood, the Sages bowed over and over again, and followed the Fire Lord away from the sitting room and deep into the bowels of the castle… towards the ruins of the West Wing.

* * *

MARKETPLACE, NEAR THE FIRE NATION NAVAL DOCKYARD

 

"… Those ones look fine, we'll take 'em. Thanks," drawled Mai as she randomly picked up some girl-things from one of the local merchants. She tossed the money-pouch to the storekeeper and left him to count out whatever they owed him, and turned to Ty Lee beside her. The other girl was staring avidly at a display of colourful cosmetics. She'd already been trying a few on, and it looked like she was still having problems making the adjustment from circus-makeup to ready-to-wear makeup…

"I think we're done with this— wanna head back or go looking for extra chocolate for Azula?"

"Ooooh! Do you think we'd find any of that special imported chocolate she likes? We won't be stopping once we set sail – and Azula's already snippy we're a few hours late in departing..." Ty Lee accepted the cloth Mai handed her and wiped off some of the more…  _exotic_  'looks' she'd been trying out, and returned the hanky.

Mai shrugged and took the bags back from the storekeeper, and they made their way back to the main thoroughfare. "If we see it on our way back."

Ty Lee nodded and bounced along beside Mai. "Sounds good!" she called happily. "I hope she doesn't get PMS this time, though – the Royal architects are still repairing the West Wing of the palace from last time…" Both girls paused and cringed at the memory of the carnage. The smells of the food cooking in the nearby stalls and carts suddenly reminded them of the charred flesh left in the wake of Azula's PMS-induced tirade. "And we'll be pretty limited in where we can run to if she goes off while we're at sea," she continued, warily.

Mai was silent, pensive.

Stretching her arms over her head, the brunette stared at the clouds for a second, distracted. "Oh look, Mai," she exclaimed, pointing, "that cloud looks like a—oomph!"

Ty Lee had managed to run straight into someone who'd stopped without warning in front of them. The light acrobat bounced off the individual, fell backwards and reverse-handspringed, and would have finished gracefully had it not been for all the nearby people she was trying to avoid. Landing squarely on her rear end in the middle of the roadway, Ty Lee rubbed her back and looked up at the human road block.

Mai had already pulled her daggers from their hidden pocket in her sleeve and turned to face their obstacle—but calmed when the individual looked down at them curiously and patiently, concern in her eyes. "Oh my goodness, are you both alright? I'm so sorry – I had stepped to the side to avoid that child who'd fallen, and I didn't even think to look out for anyone who might have been behind me. I'm terribly sorry, let me help you up."

The woman, who looked to be in her twenties, broad at the shoulders and hips, but still athletically slender, reached one arm down and pulled Ty Lee up quickly. Ty Lee looked at her in surprise and exclaimed, "Wow! You're so much stronger than you look! Have you ever considered a career with the Fire Nation Touring Circus?" Patting herself off, she smiled at the woman. "Oh, and thank you!"

Amused, the woman smiled back crookedly. "No, but I'll take that as a compliment," she said, eyes shining at the young acrobat in front of her. "And you're more than welcome – it was my fault. I'll be sure to keep a look out for you next time."

Arms crossed in boredom in front of her, Mai shook her head. "No apology necessary. Ty Lee was staring at the clouds; she ran right into you because she wasn't paying attention," she clarified bluntly. Ty Lee's cheeks burned, and she muttered " _Maiiiiii…_ ", but the solemn girl continued. "We thank you for being so kind about this misunderstanding." Their manners automatically had the young women giving quick bows to their elder. "Good day."

The woman returned the slight bow and watched as Crown Princess Azula's Hench-Wenches (as the crew had taken to calling them) walked back towards the ship, the tall, dark-haired girl occasionally calling her energetic opposite back to her side when she strayed too far.

Chuckling a bit to herself, Admiral Mo straightened her shoulders again when she was approached by someone from the next stall over.

"Finished your shopping? Did you find everything you needed?" inquired Admiral Bo, a tight, patient look on his face. He withheld a sigh when he noticed the mountain of shopping bags at her feet.  _Spirits, she was as bad as Po, sometimes…_

Mo was thoughtful for a second. "Yes, I think I did," she said cryptically, remembering the shape of the girls' purchases that had poked through their carrying bag. "Bo, when we return to the ship, there is something we need to discuss."

Recognising her tone and the obvious requirement for privacy, he nodded and led them back towards the ship.

 _So our little Princess is finally growing up, is she?_  thought Mo with a maternal glint in her eyes as she walked side-by-side with Bo.  _Poor thing. I hope I can convince the others to go a little easier on her…at least until we reach the battle theatre._

* * *

 

WAR ROOM ON THE NAVIGATION DECK, ABOARD THE 'DEBILITATING CRIMSON TIDE'

Azula sat in the most imposing chair in the room, overlooking the map with the ship and troop movements laid across it like a colourful explosion of candy. She was very, very unhappy, but kept her frustrations at bay while she listened to the other advisors in the room. She needed her patience to understand  _WHY THEY WERE TRYING TO CHANGE THE ALREADY-PERFECT BATTLE PLAN_.

She shifted slightly in the seat.  _Stupid cramps_. She casually laid a hand across her stomach and tried to bend a bit of extra warmth into the afflicted area to ease her discomfort.  _I'll give them five more minutes before I re-educate the lot of them into respecting their Fire Lord's orders_ , she concluded. She looked around to decide on who to make an example of. Normally she wouldn't have dared let them go this far with their disrespect, but she kept getting distracted by the missing members of the A-Team.  _They better not be causing trouble. They should be here, with the advisors, getting briefed. I'll punish them all_ , she decided, as another wave of pain rippled through her body from her middle, sapping at her patience. She looked across the room again.

Pho smiled and waved at her enthusiastically from his seat at the far end of the room. (She'd decided on the seating order). He'd been present the entire time. In fact, he'd arrived 45 minutes early. With her favourite tea and snacks. And several spare copies of the battle-plan, to illustrate his enthusiasm, and a variety of 'alternate scenarios' for her reference and interest. Should she care to follow up with him, he'd be available at her convenience. Ready and waiting. Eagerly. Day or night. Particularly night. Aaaaaaaaaaaaanytime.

It was at that moment that Princess Azula had declared she'd coordinated specific seating arrangements to be observed during all meetings she attended while on the sortie. She'd returned to her seat thereafter, and the meeting had begun. Pho had been relegated a seat by the lavatory at the far end of the War Room, as far away from her as possible. Pho still sat smiling and waving and trying to communicate with her through hand signals. Azula wondered if she could somehow kill him from this distance and make it look like an accident.  _Probably not with the lightning_ , she mused to herself, deep in thought.  _How else can I kill him?... I wonder if Mai could do it over supper, trip him and 'oopsie' his throat open or something?..._

Completely unaffected, the advisors were still debating around the chart-table. The Princess spared them a thought, considering whether they were somehow trying to impress her... Or kill her through aggravated frustration. Her eyes narrowed.  _Perhaps that was their strategy?..._

At that moment, she heard the steel door groan open and the remaining three members of the A-Team strolled in, shooing several other attendees from their seats so they could sit together. The entire debate ground to a halt as the semi-celebrities sat down amongst the conservative crowd. Admiral Po gave a dainty wiggle of his fingertips in guise of a wave. Mo looked composed, but hid a smile at Po's gesture. Bo sat and faced forward, immediately at attention, shoulders set but relaxed.

"Afternoon, Admirals," greeted one officer.

"Afternoon, Captain, how are you?"

"Fine, fine. How's the wife and kids?"

"He's doing just great, thank you for asking!"

"… Yes, Admiral Po. Well, I meant Admiral Bo, but I'm certainly…  _relieved_  your family are so, uh, well."

"Yes, me, too! Well and multiplying, actually! We just had several new additions to the little family yesterday, too!" He sighed happily. "Oh, family is bliss!" Turning to face the rear of the room, Po called out, "Pho! What are you doing back there? Come join us!" He tapped the seat beside him (which had been voluntarily vacated by the previous occupant upon seeing his new neighbours).

Pho shook his head and raised his hands. "Oh, no can do, Po! Princess' Azula's specific instructions," he declared seriously.

At that, the A-Team turned back to face the front of the room and realized,  _Oh, we haven't greeted our esteemed monarch and babysitter yet, have we?_

_Oops._

Azula looked over at the A-Team and smiled welcomingly. "I trust you didn't lose your sense of direction on the ship, finding your way here?" she asked them sweetly.

Every officer in the room seated between the Princess and the A-Team slowly started shifting their seats towards the outer edges of the room, clearing a swath of floor between Azula and the Admirals.

"Your esteemed Royal Highness, I apologise for our tardiness," spoke up Mo respectfully as she stood to address Azula. Her head was bowed and she held one hand over her heart, indicating she spoke the truth. "It was my fault. I lost several of my possessions in transit to the ship and was late in returning. Admiral Bo was with me and can attest to this. Admiral Po was awaiting our return, also. Your colleagues, Lady Mai and Lady Ty Lee, can also bear witness to my location this afternoon. I apologise sincerely for our disruption, your Royal Highness, and admit it is unacceptable behaviour from officers such as ourselves who should be leading by example. I shall endeavour to prevent this mistake from reoccurring."

Azula looked over the woman carefully. She seemed to be telling the truth, and sincerely. This was not a light matter, however – normally, an officer would be punished for showing up so tardily and making such a flashy, distracting entrance.  _I have to figure out how to use these four to my advantage_ , she thought to herself.  _I can't risk alienating them this early, though._

"We shall speak of this at a later time, in private," declared Azula finally. "For now, give your full attention to the DM – Destruction Master – as the final strategy is disseminated."

xXxXxXx

 _Hasn't moved from her seat—didn't even stand to scold us_ , noted Mo, mentally clucking her tongue as the DM droned on and on with the battle plan. Mo had memorized it on sight when she'd received it several days prior. Her attention was focused on Azula now.  _She's probably not feeling well. And_ , she glanced a bit closer _, yep, firebending her tummy. Poor thing. I'll have to talk to Mai and Ty Lee later..._

xXxXxXx

Bo, an impassive look on his handsome face, listened intently for any change in the pre-arranged strategy. He took in the other officers, the state of the room, the Princess, and his fellow A-Team members. He wanted to cringe at the title 'honourably' bestowed upon them by the Fire Lord.  _Might as well have called us the 'Alphabet-Team'_ , he mused in disdain. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Mo set her face in her,  _"I've decided what to do now"_ -look (which he preferred to call her  _"I'm about to meddle in someone else's business"_ -look), and Po sketching doodles on the back of his Battle Plan Strategy scroll. When Po brought out his coloured Copic-quills, Bo's suspicions were confirmed – Po was redesigning the soldiers' and crews' uniforms yet again. Bo didn't dare look back at Pho – but he was sure the last member of the A-Team was either making moon-eyes at the Princess, or trying to find some way of impressing her. It wouldn't have surprised him if Pho were offering (through inventive hand gestures – or Hell, even interpretive dance) to scrub the toilet in the lavatory opposite him with his toothbrush, just to demonstrate to Azula how devoted he was to improving her ship's runnings.

Making a mental note to have extra toothbrushes brought aboard (and to keep his own toothbrush away from Pho's), Bo mentally winced and settled in to suffer through the rest of the meeting.

_It was going to be a loooong voyage._

* * *

 

IN THE CREW'S MESS HALL

While the majority of the crew had been busy at work making the last arrangements before they were to leave port during the evening tide-change, the Secret Fire Navy Bookie had updated the odds in the Wager Chart. As always, it was the center of attention during the evening meal.

"I see the Princess has blocked Pho."

"I hear she's not feeling so well."

"We aren't even at sea really, she can't be seasick!"

"And Pho hasn't kissed her yet – at least not that my pocketbook's noticed!" Some cheers and laughter followed this one.

"So not love sick!" teased another voice.

"No, but she's at that age, you know," said one voice knowingly.

Silence.

"What do you mean, 'at that age'?" asked one sailor warily.

"Oh, you know, when girls… grow up."

Silence.

"By 'grow up', do you mean… start to notice boys?"

"Among other things."

"Like?"

"Getting visitors."

"Boy visitors?"

"Not exactly."

"Oh no… Do you mean, get 'girl problems'?" managed one queasy male voice.

There was a tense pause as all ears listened with rapt attention.

"Basically... I mean, I don't know for sure, but it sounded like—"

There was a sudden mad rush as every crewmember ran for the exit.

"I'm out."

"Me, too."

"Sorry guys, good luck with the battle." The voice paused. "Either of them. Stay alive – or at least, don't forget your seppuku kit. Remember, the white shirt goes on top."

"Oh you have got to be  _kidding_  me!"

"I didn't enlist for a suicide mission!"

"I'm going to pack my trunk. Family emergency. Plague of locusts with pentapox and, uh, gingivitis. And  _bats_. It's pretty serious."

"Do we get a hazard-pay increase for working under these circumstances?"

"My brother works on the construction crew that's STILL repairing the castle after her last, er, 'visit'," said one crewmember to another beside him as they pushed their way through the hysteric crowd. A few others, who hadn't reached the exit yet either, gathered closer as he continued. "And he said the whole place is structurally unsound, right down to the foundation. Entire West Wing was demolished. She nearly took out the Sages. There are still people missing."

There was another pause as the room quieted at the man's declaration.

"Wait a second… Didn't the  _Sages_  decide the date of this mission and battle?" asked one voice carefully from the galley.

Dead. Silence. As the crew pondered these words over the next minute or so. Then-

" _Those bastages!_ " cried the irate fleet of seamen, scrambling over each other to flee the vessel and enact some hearty navy-style vengeance on the opportunistic Sages. (And rest assured, hearty navy-style revenge is quite bracing!)

-a mutiny broke out in the Mess.

The ship had several short hours left before it was to set sail. However, it seemed more and more likely it would be doing so without its crew….

TBC

* * *

AN/ Went back and edited the first and second chaps, to make them more consistent and correct a few errors some of you had pointed out. Thank you for the concrit! (As always, please let me know where I need work!) Also, please let me know if you'd like to beta – this story could use it. (And so could 2-3 others I'm working on behind the scenes: a Taang, a Junroh, and a modern AU-Zutara.) Thanks, have a great week!

 

* * *

**Chapter 4: Chapter 4**

* * *

**Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"**   
**Author: Moor**   
**Genre: General/Humour/Parody**   
**Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.**   
**Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".**

AN: In this chapter, we find out exactly what happened to make Azula hate the A-Team (yay for flashbacks!), and finally check in on the Aang Gang. (You didn't think I'd leave them out of the fun, did you?)

* * *

AZULA'S QUARTERS, D.C.T.

 

Azula looked up from her desk of plans to see Mai propping herself up in the doorway.

"I think there's something going on up on deck. You may need to check it out," drawled the maussade young woman, examining a lock of hair for split ends.

Azula was about to snap that the captain and first mate were specifically designated and  _paid_  to handle the situation, until Ty Lee sang, "we're having our very first mutiny! I think the captain's leading the charge…" she trailed off, a finger pensively at her chin. She wondered briefly whether she'd lost her chance at finding a juggler…

Azula was already racing down the hallway towards the scene; the air hissing and spitting from the heat radiating off the princess.

Ty Lee and Mai looked at each other. "I guess we better, huh?" sighed Ty Lee, shoulders slumping slightly before she rebounded.

"Yeah, sure," Mai lazily pulled out some paper and a brush & ink from her robes. Leaning against a nearby pipe, Mai read aloud as she wrote.

" _Dear Fire Lord Ozai,  
_  
" _As requested, we are completing the first Incident Report of the mission. Please find enclosed. Others will follow as necessary. Please confirm receipt and advise._  
" _Sincerely, your devoted subjects,_

" _Ladies Ty Lee and Mai"_

"Why 'first incident'?" asked Ty Lee curiously, then paused at Mai's look and nodded. "Good thinking, planning ahead…"

Mai took out an Incident Report Form from a fold in her robes and continued.

" _Date?"_  started Mai, emotionless. ( _scribble scribble_ )

" _Location?"_  She looked at her compatriot.

" _Debilitating Crimson Tide_ , still in port at the Fire Nation Royal Dockyard," supplied Ty Lee. (scribble scribble scribble)

" _Involving?"_

"Entire Crew." (check)

" _Damage?"_  
  
"…doorways, mostly from people rushing out. Some stress cracks in the walls from the force of their exodus, though, from what I saw," added the gymnast. (check check)

" _Casualties: Heavy or light? Conservative or generous estimate? Friendly forces or enemies?"_

Mai glanced at Ty Lee. "Generous. Fire Nation. And we should round up." (check check, scribble scribble)

" _Cause?"_  droned Mai.

"Mutiny."

"… not on here." Mai's brow furrowed slightly.

"How about  _'Widespread cowardice and dishonourable conduct'_?" suggested her friend from a casual headstand-position.

"Only under  _'Enemy Actions'_ , not Fire Nation causes," replied the darker-haired girl.

"Hmmm… how about  _'Azula'_?"

"Nope, not one here either—oh, wait, no. There it is." (check)

" ' _Any further notes of interest'_  ?" Mai paused and looked at Ty Lee. "What do you think?"

"Oh! I think they did a great job stream-lining the form! It's all check-boxes now instead of paragraph answers! They're so much faster to fill out!" exalted the bendy one.

Mai, expressionless, counted to ten on the inside and prayed she would someday be spared the trials and tribulations of the duties of an Azulan Hench Wench.

She reviewed the document carefully before passing it to Ty Lee to co-sign. Ty Lee, still upside down, her feet holding the document in front of her eyes, did the same, but paused and scratched the back of her head, a little confused at something. Eyebrows furrowed, she looked up at her friend and asked,

"Where's that last check-box? I don't see Azula's name on here."

"If you turn it over, it's continued on the other side," instructed Mai.

The young acrobat reversed the form and read through the list. Her eyebrows shot to her hairline and her eyes grew huge as she found the last category and its subsequent options.

"Found it?" asked the taller girl, arms folded loosely in front of her as she watched her cohort's reaction.

"Yeah. They must have revised this recently," noted Ty Lee, signing the document and returning it to her friend. "We better send this off."

They soon observed their messenger hawk flying back towards the palace, directly to the Fire Lord—

"Well, that wasn't so bad—," started Ty Lee optimistically. "If we're lucky, that'll be the only one we have to fill out while we're—"

A flare of blue lightning interrupted her, shooting across the sky in front of them and zapping their poor bird mid-flight. It dropped like a stone onto the deck of a nearby fishing trawler. Crispy.

"Hey guys, c'mere! Chicken from heaven! It's still hot—it's still good!" called the fisherman to his crew as they celebrated their good fortune.

"—in port," finished the young woman, clearly in shock. Mai's face remained impassive as she pulled more parchment from her robes.

" _Dear Fire Lord Ozai,"_  she sighed, restarting her previous letter.  _"As requested, we are filling out the first of_ _ **many**_

* * *

The beams creaked and groaned under the stress of the collapsed floors above them as the trio of men descended through the dim ruins. Every step brought fresh clouds of dust and soot puffing from their feet up into the air, cloying at their throats and choking them at a maddening, sluggish pace.

The Fire Lord, followed by the two unwitting Fire Sages, continued deeper into the unnatural catacombs, his stride slow and methodical. He knew the Sages held a strong aversion to the location. He waited calmly for one of the men to crack from the stress, and panic.

 _Soon you'll tell me all I need to know_ , he mused as he held his hand aloft to light their way. The two Sages were practically huddled together behind him, trembling harder the further they went.  _I'll teach you_ _respect_ _, you miserable mystics._

Ozai turned to the right and started down a stairway that led even deeper into the unstable structure—until one of the poor Sages capitulated.

"Your Majesty, I beg of you, no more!" cried the less observant Enlightened One, falling to his knees and prostrating himself on the filthy ground. "We meant no harm, I swear! We only acted in the best intentions of our Lord and Nation!"

The other Sage scowled and held himself rigidly, refusing to cower, while trying to convince himself,  _Ozai cannot rescind the attack, otherwise every decision he has made with our benediction becomes suspect._  He eyed the forthcoming stairway apprehensively.

His back still facing the monks, Ozai smiled maliciously knowing he'd broken the first link in the chain. He lowered his hand slightly and spoke in a soothing voice full of command-or-be-damned.

"My dear Fire Sages; I will ask this once, and I suggest you answer directly: Did you make false predictions for this battle plan to further your own interests? Put Crown Princess Azula, heir to the Fire Nation throne, at risk over some triviality? And finally, hide this fact so that no person outside the Fire Sages' immediate constituency would ever find out?" he paused, daring them to answer. He forced his gaze to burn over the two men before him, praying they understood how dire their predicament truly was.

The men were silent, too stubborn or too terrified to answer.

The fire in his hand flared slightly, and then slowly grew hotter and brighter, incrementally matching his temper's rise. The flame illuminated his features eerily in the decrepit chamber of rubble.

In that split-second flare, though, the more-composed Sage had a flash of memory: he'd been here in the West Wing weeks ago, and had seen a similar flash—but blue. Blue, blue, blue, presenting a face similar to that before him now, but infinitely more terrifying. It all came crashing back: the screams of his comrades and the scent of burning flesh made him want to flee from the man in front of him as fast as his knobby little legs could carry him. But there was only one way out.

Steeling himself, he faced the Fire Lord and nodded, eyes downcast.

"Yes." He swallowed, and replied again with more confidence. "We secretly convened and decided on the date of the battle ourselves. We… chose the date at which we thought Crown Princess Azula would be most powerful, and therefore effective in leading the onslaught. No one outside the Fire Sages is aware of this, my Lord, not even the nuns." He prayed silently,  _Great Agni forgive the blatant lie; but they_ did _agree to my proposal…even if they were too dull-witted to conjure up any other options._

He bowed his head, trying not to tremble in his deep-tinged flowing robes. "What do you pronounce our punishment to be for our indiscretion, oh Great Leader of our Nation? I fear it will never atone for our misleading you, but I beg of you to make it severe and harsh." He tensed, awaiting the fiery blow that would end his life and send him to the Spirit World.  _I thank you, exalted Agni, for all the blessing that you have granted me in my life…_  Fists clenched inside the sleeves he held in front of him, and hearing the muffled sob of his junior, he squeezed his eyes shut—

-and heard… a sigh of relief? And was that quickly followed by a barely-suppressed giggle?

The senior Sage risked a peek at his underling and was just in time to see him slump to the ground unconscious from fear.  _But that means the sigh and giggle came from_ … his eyes rested on the imposing figure before him.

Ozai, not  _grinning,_  but smug confidence clear across his features, leaned slightly forward towards the still-erect Sage; the light in his eyes wholly unsettled the holy fraud. It brought with it another flood of unpleasant memories from Azula's last visit to this wing.

"So, you Sages are the only ones who know?" the Fire Lord's warm breath swam over him, chilling him to the bone. He felt his head nod shakily on his bony shoulders.

"Well, we'll have to make sure no one else finds out what you know, won't we? To prevent a panic and widespread mistrust in the Sages. I'm sure you understand, don't you?"

Again, his head nodded dumbly.  _Agni, great spirit of fire, save me and prepare a place for me by your side in the Spirit World…_

"We'll have to make you—and all your colleagues—disappear for a while."

The poor Sage swayed on his feet.

This was it, he knew it, his time was up. He looked down at the clumsy man crumpled beside him.  _No help from that quarter_ , he realized, semi-hysterical. He fervently renewed his prayers to his god, doubling his efforts when the Fire Lord turned and started walking away from them, back out the way they came.

 _Am I to kill myself in these circumstances?_  Wondered the Sage numbly, oblivious to his surroundings now.  _I can't even remember our Standard Operating Procedure for this—oh no, I truly have fallen from grace if I can't even remember the decorum to employ to dispose of myself honourably in such dishonourable circumstances! Noooooo!_

He held his head, mentally and emotionally defeated.

Noting his charges weren't following him anymore, the Fire Lord turned back to see they hadn't moved from their spots on the wreckage-strewn floor.

Confused, he called to them, "Well, hurry up! Your transport to the Royal Hot Springs for your 'enriched meditation' sejour will leave soon—you need to be on it with the other Sages so no one finds out about your little trespass. You'll be gone until the war party returns victorious," explained the Fire Lord, as if this was the most natural reasoning in the world.

"You mean you didn't bring us down here to kill us?" asked the whiny voice from the 'unconscious' Sage on the floor.

 _You mean you've been awake this whole time?_  The long-bearded holy man struggled to control his surprise and composure at his colleague's sudden aboutface.  _You left me to hang by myself, you jolly faker! I'll kill you!_  Blazed the senior Enlightened One in fury, wishing he could strangle his coward of an accomplice.

"No, of course not," soothed the Fire Lord, turning back to leave the room. The Sages took the hint and scurried after him, patting the dirt from their garb and thanking Agni for their preservation. 'Return victorious', he'd said, of course choosing his words carefully.

Of course he wouldn't kill them… yet.

"Prepare your things and be ready to depart within the hour. I'll send word to the other Sages. Speak of this to no one," ordered Ozai icily as they reached the main (secure) area of the palace again.

Too relieved at not facing an immediate fiery end, the Sages giddily rushed back to their chambers to pack their necessities.

The Fire Lord retreated to his private chambers and dispatched some servants and an 'official' notice to the Fire Sages to be ready for their 'enriched meditation and communion with Agni' in order to pray for the battle's success (and their own well-being, if they knew what was good for them). While eliminating the Sages would have assuredly guarded their lapse in judgment, it would also have raised questions about the battle, war, and himself. He could always dispose of them later; with justification should the mission fail. His priority at the moment was to seal the lid tightly to prevent the traitorous information leaking out. He could nail the coffin shut later—with the Sages inside, if he wished.

 _After all, Azula was out of the country at the moment, so the local death toll was bound to bounce back upon her return anyway_ , he reasoned optimistically. He smiled to himself.  _She's always been Daddy's Little Girl…_

He considered himself a patient man; ruthless, sadistic and evil, yes—but patient. All great parenting and dictatorship techniques, he believed. After all, hadn't Azula presented him that charming "Daddy of the Year" scroll when she'd been young? True, she'd hidden poison darts in it in an unsuccessful attempt on his life, but he'd always admired her spunk and ambition.

As he stood by the window, gazing over his populace, he set his shoulders, hands clasped behind his back, deep in thought. Soon he'd have another victory in the war, and would prepare the way for the final battle.

He was interrupted by a page delivering an urgent communiqué from Ladies Ty Lee and Mai, delivered via a messenger-bird enveloped in flame-retardant birdie body armour…

* * *

ADMIRAL BO'S PRIVATE QUARTERS, ABOARD THE D.C.T.

 

Bo gently stroked the dove-dragon's soft hide and absently fed it another morsel of food when it nudged his hand. "Don't get greedy, there, eh," he remarked, looking up from the scroll he was examining. "You need to take care. This mission's not even started yet…" He heard a raspy cooing from his other side and felt two pairs of claws tenderly knead his shoulders as the dove-dragon's mate, the raven-dragon, alighted beside his ear. Its tail slid affectionately around his neck and it cocked its head to one side, staring at him meaningfully.

He smirked and petted the raven-dragon briefly before giving it a bit to nibble on, too. "No more begging," he commanded, returning to the scroll. He focused on the topographical map, memorizing its features and imagining the enemy's potential bases, strategies, and offensive-versus-defensive strengths and weaknesses. He was making notes on the parchment when Mo rapped smartly on his door before quickly striding in, mildly startling his pets.

Her concern betrayed her normally-calm state when she softly said, "Bo, we need you on deck; ASAP. Mutiny, and the Princess is already involved." Her hands, still on the doorway, had knuckles glowing nearly white in their tight hold.

He nodded curtly, rising immediately to follow her out. "Stay here," he ordered the dragons as they'd been stretching to take flight and follow their master.

"He'll be back soon, unscathed—I promise," added Mo in reassure to the filial beasts before closing the door and following Bo to the main deck. The animals settled themselves quietly on Bo's desk, guarding his interrupted work and waiting for his return Tucking their tails around themselves, they remained alert but relaxed, and folded their wings close.

* * *

MAIN DECK, ABOARD THE D.C.T.

 

Pandemonium had erupted on deck, and the mass of bodies writhed and jostled each other, trying to get off the floating prison-ship.

"I'm too young to die! Please have mercy!"

"I didn't sign up for this! Let me off now!"

"I request immediate re-assignment. I don't care if it's cleaning the royal komodo-rhino shed, just get me out of here!"

"This is cruel & unusual punishment, not 'active duty'! We're not trained to handle such delicate circumstances! Release us!"

"Dear Agni, whatever ill I committed against you, I beg your forgiveness—and as soon as humanly—or godly—possible!"

A group of soldiers-turned-prisoners were forming a human bridge to the dock, trying to circumvent the gangplank that was blockaded by the boatswain. A solitary, noble guard of legendary bravery, he alone stood against the frothing, rushing mob.

"BOSN—for Agni's sake, step down! We don't want to crush you!" hollered the first mate, barely holding himself back.

The boatswain shook his head defiantly, refusing to tremble, and held his hands before him, staving off the frenetic crew.

"Yield man, yield! You could be killed!" the captain pleaded with the courageous, defiant crewman, grabbing him by his shirtfront and shaking him. The boatswain gingerly removed his superior's hands from his uniform and shook them solemnly instead, dead seriousness shining in his eyes.

"Captain, with all due respect, I know exactly what I'm doing and understand the consequences of my actions. But I am above all loyal to the Fire Nation and it is my duty to serve to the best of my abilities," explained the BOSN compassionately, no grief evident in his clear gaze.

"You're daft and you're about to be bum-rushed," muttered the first mate, desperation and sympathy warring in his features as he prepared to shove the human obstacle from his path to freedom. But he looked up and shook his colleague's hand at the last moment, each of their steely resolves reflecting in their faces. He almost saluted his long-respected—though quite doomed— friend. "You were a good man."

The BOSN nodded once, accepting his hopeless fate with the stiff upper lip of a seasoned seafarer.

Then Azula arrived topside and leapt across the deck, incapacitating crew left and right as she cut a path to the gangplank in order to halt the exodus and regain control of her unruly crew.

In a rush, the boatswain looked back at his superiors and choked out, just before the infuriated Princess reached them, "I know, sirs, and thank you- _but I'd rather take my chances with you than her!_ "

Cognizant of the circumstances, the two superior officers nodded and sympathized with their underling, recognizing the desperation and resignation they'd mistaken earlier for courage.

"Been good knowin' ya, BOSN," stated the captain gravely, also shaking the man's hand one last time.

"An honour to have almost served under you, too, sir," replied the speedbump-to-be.

The captain and first mate, with as much respect as they could muster, grabbed and subsequently heaved the boatswain overboard, clearly making a run for it—the rest of the crew promptly followed suit.

The BOSN splashed into the water with his hand still up in a salute.

The crew kept running, and were nearly successful in reaching the dock—until a flare of blue lightning cut off their path and set the gangplank ablaze, forcing them back and stranding everyone aboard the ship.

A seabird, unfortunately caught in the crossfire, was barbecued on contact by the lightning and dropped unceremoniously to the deck of a passing boat. A rousing cheer went up from the fishermen, but it wasn't enough to drown out the cries from the crew of the  _Debilitating Crimson Tide,_  screaming for salvation.

xXxXxXx

"I don't recall issuing any ship-to-shore leave permissions," began Princess Azula, deadly calm as she paced before the would-be deserters. She firmly stood her ground atop the smoking remains of the gangplank and an almost-bored expression graced her flushed but immaculate features. "Explain yourselves—what is the meaning of this display? There are no cowards in the Fire Nation Royal Navy," she paused and nearly smirked, raising a flaming hand. "No  _live_  ones, anyway," she clarified.

The crew mumbled amongst themselves and shrank back, unsure.

From the water far below, a man gasped and sputtered, "Help! Someone, help me!" and splashed violently, unable to reach high enough to catch the pier and haul himself up. "Please, I need help!"

He was ignored—the Imperial threat before the crewmen and women more than captivated their attention.

"Now, who's in charge of this…demonstration?" the petite young woman asked with sweet patience, her eyes raking over her subordinates. They shuffled, but held quiet.

"Please, there are  _tigersharks_  circling me! And—sweet Spirits, the man-eating razor-back dolphins are here, too! For the love of all that's holy, please get me out of here!" choked the floundering seaman from the depths below.

He yelped and wilder splashing was heard; it was followed shortly by the dolphin's squeaks and clicks of enthusiasm at finding such lively prey.

"Do I truly need to make an example of someone?"  _Does Azula have to smack a bitch?_  "How distasteful…" she said. Then smiled smugly. "Who'd like to join our friend overboard?"

" _Aaarrghhhhh! They're leaping over me!_  They have my legs now—please, dear Spirits, if you won't save me then shoot me so I can die quickly, you miserable, wretched sailors, traitors all! I hate you all and curse your ancestors a thousand times, you heinous people! May you and all your families be dragged into the deepest abyss and tormented for all eternity! Great Agni the pain! I can feel them tearing my flesh!" The tirade was replaced by screams of agony and howls of absolute terror.

Azula saw one woman flinch and look down. The princess smiled. "I see we have a volunteer…"

xXxXxXx

Bo burst through the corridor onto the deck just as the BOSN's latest screams rang out. He was immediately assaulted by the sight of dozens of his crewmen in trouble.

It took him all of a split-second to assess the situation and delegate priorities, wordlessly. Bo was that good.

He flashed a quick look at Mo and the Amazonian was already wrapping a line around her middle and diving off the side of the ship, arching masterfully before piercing the surface of the water below in an attempt to save the rapidly-dwindling Fire Navy officer-cum-fishfood. In strong strokes she reached BOSN just before he lost his leg to the water-creatures. Seeing them secured, Bo immediately hauled them back up to the deck to safety.

"Get him to sick bay and see he gets the best care—and someone is to stay with him to provide me with regular reports on his status," Bo's unquestionable tone snapped the crew out of their terrified stupor and his orders were swiftly carried out.

The boatswain was blubbering praise and thanks to his saviours as he was rushed to the medical facilities. The admiral nodded to the man and patted him encouragingly on the shoulder as he was bounced by on the stretcher, but he kept his face free of emotion.

Mo rubbed a hand over a few scratches on her face— _mere flesh wounds_ , she decided, unperturbed by the dolphins' vicious attacks.

"All fair?" asked Bo of his oldest living friend.

"Fair as fire and twice as strong," she retorted, grinning back. Bo gave his fellow admiral a proud thump on the back as she sluiced the water from her hair. She then smiled tightly at him: both knew the rescue had been the easy part of this altercation.

She fell into step just behind her colleague as he moved through the quietly parting crowd of soldiers and sailors, and she could hear every drop of water that fell from her soaked uniform to the metal-plated deck.

The entire ship fell silent as Bo approached the Princess.

He kneeled in front of her, one hand over his heart and his head bowed; subservient. The crew didn't fail to notice the meaning of the gesture, and shifted uncomfortably while they waited for their fate to be pronounced…

"Your Royal Highness, I wish to take full responsibility for this incident," he began, and felt every person behind him stiffen in surprise—and wariness. "I also request permission to address the crew. I believe this misunderstanding arises from some miscommunication about the roles and responsibilities of the commanding officers; specifically the chain of command and supervision of officers and crew on this particular sortie."

Azula had stopped pacing and watched him with level eyes, her dark hair blowing a bit in the early evening breeze. She made a motion for him to continue speaking.

"May I address them, your Highness? I wish to rectify this situation before it leads to further… indiscretions," he recited calmly and confidently, eyes downcast and shoulders straight. He was the picture of the perfect admiral in that moment: deferential to his superior, and yet proud and responsible for his crew's welfare. His hair, flowing down from his partial topknot, blew across his shoulders on the sea breeze and caught the dying light of the setting sun. He was calm, in control of himself, but aware, too. He knew his crew was depending on him—though, quite possibly betting against him, too.  _Stupid betting pools…_

Azula, arms crossed in front of her, glared down at the commander at her feet. His mere presence on deck had quieted the uprising, and she was smart enough to recognize that having him as an ally would be of far greater benefit than otherwise. His effectiveness was also an obstacle to her complete authority over the crew, however.

 _Now, how could I possibly turn this to my advantage?..._  Her eyes narrowed to slits as she felt a predatory smile light her face.  _Yes, that's it!_

She crowed smugly to herself as she came to her decision. Nodding at him, she permitted him to rise and face the crew.

"Admiral Bo wishes to address you regarding this matter. He will be taking responsibility for your actions—and thus receiving the punishment each of you would have received for this… indiscretion. Listen carefully—no further 'misunderstandings' will be tolerated," she explained, eyes roving the crew's apprehensive looks.

Bo followed her lead and succinctly explained the mission, and hierarchy of authority to all present. When he finished, he stared at them a moment.

They still looked… uncertain.

"Any questions?" he barked.

Murmurs rippled through the surrounding crowd.

"I repeat, are there any questions?" he asked. "Her Highness has been lenient with you in her willingness to overlook this and dole you no punishment,"  _but just may flog me senseless._ "You would do well to show the same respect and illustrate the depth of your understanding to her in her presence. There will be no further 'second chances' on this ship—or mission."

A sailor hesitantly raised her hand.

"Yes?" Bo acknowledged the woman, nodding to her to step forward.

She felt a few pats of support on her back and spoke up. "Sir, just to be clear: You're saying that her Highness is here to supervise the A-Team… and the A-Team is to supervise & direct the crew?"

"Yes."

"Are we to follow your orders or hers, should there be any… miscommunication?"

"You will accomplish your ship's duties as you normally would, under our command and in battle will fight according to the pre-determined roles, under her Majesty."

So the crew reasoned thusly; Azula would protect them from the A-Team; the A-Team would protect them from Azula. But what about—

"And those of us in the land platoons, sir?"

"That will depend on your commanding officer at the time," supplied Azula, stepping forward with arms crossed behind her in a relaxed, authoritative pose. "If you'd like to ask more questions, I can reserve a spot for you on the front lines; I'm sure the earthbenders will have plenty of time to answer you while you're nose to nose with them—or under a rock."

The woman shrank back and shook her head.

There were no more questions.

Having achieved her aim of silencing the dissenters, Azula dismissed the near-mutineers and turned to Bo with a condescending sneer. "My dear Admiral Bo," she drawled and examined the fingernails on her right hand; her other arm still behind her back. "How  _noble_  of you to intervene. Do you think your crew is as loyal? Would they do the same for you?"

 _I'm sure they'd do more, your Heinous_. "I believe in my crew, your Highness," he replied instead.

"Mmmm…" She looked over the edge of the ship for a moment at the frenzied sea creatures still circling in the depths below, hoping for another windfall snack. "I believe your punishment is in order; you'll be responsible for Admiral Pho," she said simply.

Bo refused to believe that was his entire sentence; Mo, still patient behind him, held quiet. Azula expounded at Bo's look of suspicion.

"You will ensure he is never in my presence; never addresses me; that I never suffer his attentions. Also," she remained relaxed and nearly aloof as she added, "should you fail to keep your crew within orderly, well-composed behaviours, you will be openly challenging me to Agni Kai—and as I am the sole heir to the Fire Nation throne, I'm sure you realize that should you manage to win, your declaration of treason will condemn your family line, all the way back to your ancestors…"

It was well-known Bo was a family man—and honourable to his core. He would never let his crew down; and he would never back down from a challenge he'd dutifully accepted. He was bound.

"Of course, your Highness Princess Azula," he acknowledged. "Is there anything else?"

Azula thought on it for a second. "Yes—go scrub the rhino pens with your tooth brush." With that, she waved him away. As Bo bowed to leave, she threw back over her shoulder at him one last parting shot, "and don't forget to take Pho."

Bo nodded and, Mo dripping at his side, they strode in to the darkened corridors of the ship.

When she was sure they were well out of earshot of the sadistic princess, Mo stifled a chuckle.

Bo grunted at her sourly. (Now he  _knew_  he should have picked up more toothbrushes…) "Hm?"

"I guess she hasn't forgiven us for the marshmallow incident," the sodden woman remarked idly.

Against his will, Bo felt a smirk settle on his face, too.

"Nope, guess not."

The friendly pair snickered at the shared memory as they made their way through the ship to collect Pho—and their poor, requisitioned toothbrushes.

* * *

EARTH KINGDOM…SOMEWHERE

 

The small group of good-guys (and girls!) was gathered loosely in the clearing off a path in the forest, preparing their supper over a fire. Two of them wore hooded cloaks and stood off to the side, while the others, more familiar with each other, met with a visitor who'd approached them while in the nearby village. They'd offered to hear the man out in more private settings, and had returned together to their campsite. Not the smartest move, but the man had been desperate, though harmless—according to Toph, who'd 'searched' him… roughly.

Aang looked at the young messenger sympathetically while Katara read the scroll aloud so Toph and Sokka could catch up on the visitor's tale.

"So you're looking for help with your bender-army?" the older girl asked of their new temporary-mouth-to-feed, passing the scroll to her brother.  _Figures—we finally make progress on our way to the Fire Nation, and somebody has to come up with another quest for us to accomplish first… This mission's interminable…_

"Please, I know you have a very important deadline of your own—"

"Just trying to export to the Fire Nation a twelve-year-old kid powerful enough to take down some evil Fire Lord in a couple of months, no biggie."

Katara glared at Sokka over the man's head as he continued. "And we're quite well trained in arms. But we have no masters to teach us bending and we believe the Fire Nation is planning an all-out attack. If you could spare us even a week, we would be most grateful," his nervous hands fiddled with his worn, wide-brimmed hat and the pitiful state of his robes reflected his desperate status; patched and repatched, riddled with tears, and covered in dirt from his trek to find them.

Sokka recognized the look in his sister's face and groaned internally.  _This is gonna be that damn coal-barge all over again…_

"Wait a minute, how do we know you're not trying to trick us?" asked one of the pair of hooded figures from several meters away, barely visible against the tree line that surrounded the camp's perimeter.

"He isn't lying," retorted Toph. Her expression tightened, however. "But he's holding something back."

Immediately, everyone in the saving-the-world-for-peace group fell into a fighting stance and the messenger put his hands up in a gesture of submission.

"No, wait, please—!"

His protests were cut off as Toph enveloped him in a rock-sided prison. She swept her feet across the ground next, and crouched, flattening her palm to the terra.

"There's another one coming!" she yelled, whirling to face the next approaching trespasser. The group whipped around to follow her lead and took their positions.

A figure burst through the brush surrounding their campsite, gasping and panting, holding his own arms up in the same peacefully intended gesture as his predecessor. "Please, I'm a friend—I didn't want to have to ask such a request as a personal favour. My father, our previous master, is away on a mission and we need your help."

But this new person wasn't a trespasser—or a stranger.

It took a moment to sink in—and then Aang let out a loud "whoop!" and rushed forward to greet the newcomer. The Water Tribe siblings relaxed immediately as they, too, recognized their old friend.

The two hooded figures maintained their distance and suspicions, however-until Katara laughed and rushed forward, throwing her arms around the surprised young man and squeezing him in a welcome embrace.

"Katara!" he cried happily, spinning her around. Toph immediately felt an angry vibe from the tree line, and expanded her senses to stay alert to further interruptions.

"Haru!" exclaimed Katara, hugging her friend again. "It's so good to see you! Come on, you have to meet everyone..."

"Who's the new guy?" asked Toph in exasperation as the pair babbled excitedly, ignoring everyone else. "And why is he giving off such 'pretty' vibes?"

"He's Katara's ex isn't he?" the earthbender couldn't resist the jibe. One of the hooded figures nearby straightened imperceptibly to the normal human eye. She and the older Water Tribe sibling turned away from the babbling greetings, far too mature for such childish displays of open camaraderie.

Sokka stretched a bit as he answered. "No, Haru's no where near good enough for my sister."

The figure relaxed.

"But they were pretty close for a while," he amended upon some reflection.

Toph felt the hooded figure smack his head into the tree behind him in frustration.

"Haru really admired Katara," continued Sokka. "But she decided to help Aang do his Avatar-save-the-world journey-thingy instead of staying with Mr. Pretty over there to help him rebuild his village after she freed his dad from a Fire Nation prison. They're earth benders."

Mr. Hoodie was pretending to ignore the conversation.

"So he owes her, and is back begging for help again?" snarked Toph sardonically, play-bending with some earth beside her.

"Ever the businesswoman, you cut right to the chase, don't you, Toph?"

"Time is money."

The Water Tribe boy thought about the implications of that comment for a moment, and how it could be applied to their current situation.

"We'd never go hungry if she charged people for her services," he joked, thumbing in the general direction he remembered his sister heading off in… oblivious to the fact that she and their guests had approached him from behind and currently stood within several feet of his unprotected spine.

Toph was getting a disturbing vibration off Katara. It sounded like violent-fury-about-to-be-unleashed-on-an-unsuspecting-sibling.

"So she frees earthbenders? Oh yeah, there's  _so much_  profit potential there," muttered the blind bender sarcastically—actually pitying Sokka's fate enough to offer him some help at digging himself out of his impending retribution.

Sokka waved her comment off, ever oblivious. "No! She motivates guys—gets them wrapped around her finger and so worked up that they follow her and do whatever she—"

The hooded young man nearby was practically tearing his shaggy hair out now…

"Uh...Sokka, you might wanna rephrase that—" cautioned Toph, but it was too late.

A very insulted, very  _angry_  waterbending master had already drafted a formidable water-canon from the nearby stream and taken careful aim.

xXxXxXx

"Nephew," counseled the older gentleman softly to his hooded neighbour.

A hearty dose of Water Tribe style discipline was being meted out on their companions a short distance away.

"Next time,  _try_  to mask your interest…"  _He's so obvious._  The former general shrugged his shoulders when his young relation turned to frown at him. "You could at least stop glaring at the pretty one."

Zuko crossed his arms in front of him and refused to shift his gaze.

"You're  _jea—lous_ ," wheedled Iroh, an amused glint to his features.

"I'm not jealous of him," he ran a hand through his scruffy dark hair, pushing it off his forehead as if he were bored.

"Of something he  _has_ ," insinuated Iroh again, observing the familiar, easy interactions between Katara and Haru.

" _I'm not jealous of some stupid earthbender peasant—_ " snapped the prince. Mumbling something further under his breath, he stormed off in a huff away from the active campsite.

 _I mustn't have heard him correctly towards the end as he stormed away._ Iroh stared after his nephew a moment, completely confused _. He was muttering curses; that must have been it_. Iroh started towards the young group, but paused.

_But it had sounded an awful lot like "or his hair…" at the end…_

The Dragon of the West shook his head a bit as the rest of the group settled around the cooking fire.

 _That had to be it._  Unless he'd misunderstood what Prince Zuko had meant… Yes, that must be the answer. Perhaps his old ears were fine and it was his interpretation he was mistaken about? It must be that Zuko meant he  _wasn't_  jealous of the fact that perhaps Katara found Haru's hair attractive; so he therefore  _wasn't_ jealous of her attention towards him. That must be it…

_For surely Prince Zuko wouldn't be jealous of the earthbender's pretty ponytail for_ _**himself** _ _… right?_

Iroh's eyebrows knit.

_Oh, he did_ _**not** _ _still mourn the loss of that damn topknot, did he...?_

Iroh sighed.  _Stupid Nephew._

Armed with this rather disturbing deduction, the former general resolved to keep an eye on the prince—and any object sharp enough to be employed for hair cutting. During his time at sea with the prince, he'd gotten very good at finding pointy objects—usually wedged in the doors or walls near his head after he'd teased his nephew for something or other… Zuko really needed to learn to let things go, in Iroh's opinion.

xXxXxXx

Not long after, when Sokka was conscious again—though moving slowly and wincing in pain— they packed up their camp and set off for the Rebel Army—or, 'Camp Iwannabeyabendah', as Toph had taken to calling it.

The prodigal earthbender had objected at first, as had Sokka—until Katara had asked if they missed the opportunity to watch (and participate in) earthbending tournaments. The dissenters were quickly converted at the prospect of 'fighting' raw earthbender talent.

"Remember, we're going there to  _teach_  them, Toph," Aang's voice held a note of concern. His sifu's unsettling enthusiasm at the opportunity of skull-cracking good times was already fueling Sokka's irritating spectator-fan fire. "Toph, they need to be healthy to improve so they can help us fight the Fire Nation. No offence, guys," he offered his hooded companions. Iroh waved back, unconcerned.

Toph smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

"We're gonna be close to the ocean, right?" she said, heaving another blanket roll onto Appa's litter.

"Yeah," replied the monk, remembering how Haru had described the location of the rebels' camp near the shores of the area.

"And Katara's coming, right?"

"Yeah…" (He did  _not_  like where this was going…)

"So there's no problem! See, you worry too much, Twinkle Toes. Everything's gonna be just fine…"

"Uh, Toph, I really think—"

"ARGH!" screamed Haru, suddenly backing away from the cooking fire he was dowsing. He held his left arm close, obviously having just suffered a burn.

"Haru! Are you ok? Let me see…" Katara already had her waterskin's contents wrapped around her hand as she bent over her friend's wound. "Geez, how did this happen—that fire was nearly out…"

Aang, dread in his core, turned back to look at Toph's relaxed, hopeful expression.

"Seeeee," she said with mock-patience, "Katara'll be there."

Aang grew more panicky at the 'random' flare that had erupted, strategically burning their guest a moment prior.  _My blind sifu has no respect for fellow human life_ , he realized.  _And I think she just spontaneously_ _ **firebended**_ _someone to make an example out of them. Oh sweet baby Spirits on a swizzle stick—_

"Toph, did you just—" he began hesitantly.

" _I'm_  not the one getting a very disapproving glare from Uncle Teabag right now," she countered nonchalantly. Sure enough, Iroh was shaking his head in disappointment.

Aang paused, reflecting for a moment…  _Zuko's sporting a very sullen face, and it looks like his hair's stuck up at the back from a smack upside the head-likely from his chaperone…Could Toph be right?_

… before deciding sometimes you had to leave things with the Spirits to balance.

* * *

AZULA'S QUARTERS, ABOARD THE D.C.T.

 

Azula sat uncomfortably at her cabin desk that night reviewing troop formations and progress reports—and ingesting unhealthy volumes of expensive, foreign chocolate.

Picking up the next scroll with sticky fingers, she popped another chocolate into her mouth—and immediately spit it back out into her hand.

_Marshmallow._

She sneered at the mess as she wiped it off and threw it in the garbage.  _Whoever did this…_

The taste and sight of the fluffy white foodstuff brought about a flood of unwanted memories for the princess however, and she was forced to revisit, once again, that horrible, horrible event from her childhood…

_**(10 years earlier…)** _

The four-or-five year old princess didn't have her friends with her at the summer palace that day—just her older brother, and he was off playing with their cousin and his friends. That was fine with her, as it gave her more opportunity to practice her bending… unsupervised.

Her face studiously blank, she navigated her way through the corridors to the turtle-duck ponds in the garden. It was time for target practice.

Checking around quickly to make sure no one was watching, she raised her arms up and focused on one white shape, floating midway across the pond's surface. It wasn't a turtle-duck—she didn't know what it was, really, and that should have been enough warning for her—but she knew it didn't belong. That was just another way of saying she felt she should remove it. All she had to do was scare it away…

A smirk pulled at the corners of her mouth as she shot off a quick blast—and was surprised when the object ducked, easily avoiding it. Unperturbed, it continued on its merry drift.

Confused, but all the more determined, she moved closer to the edge of the pond and readied for another attempt. Steadying herself again on the mushy bank, she let loose another flare.

Again, the object ducked and effortlessly swerved to safety; it seemed to mock her attempts to eradicate it.

The little princess circled the pond over and over again to find a better angle to attack from, but the white trespasser evaded her time after time. Enraged, Azula finally tore around the pond, screaming at the target to stay put and burn like a good little sacrifice to Agni; her fire spewed off in wild directions as she lost all self-control.

From the overhead canopy of a few nearby trees, Zuko, Lu Ten, Bo, Po, Mo, and Pho muffled their howls of laughter with the sleeves of their training uniforms.

"You gotta show me how that trick works, later," begged Zuko of his older relation, clinging desperately to the tree so his laughter wouldn't shake him loose.

Lu Ten chuckled and passed his younger cousin some more marshmallow snacks. "Father taught me, actually; right after he made me promise I'd never tell anyone else." He winked at his 'little brother' before nodding at his friends. The other youths smiled back—then made four more white beasts surface in front of the young princess's astonished eyes. The six amused tree-huggers observed Azula run a few more laps around the pond before Zuko accidentally snorted too loud—and got his sister's attention.

"Uh-oh," said Lu Ten as the frustrated little demon-girl's uncanny hearing picked up on the spies. "Ready the ammunition—battle stations, troops!" he cried, laughing and no longer bothering to hide their presence.

With a rousing round of 'aye-aye, sir!'s, the group grabbed their bags of marshmallows—and firebended just enough to melt them into one giant white sticky puff.

"The key is in the low heat," explained Lu Ten to Zuko patiently as his sister ran towards them on the ground below. She raised her hands to shoot at them in retaliation. Zuko nodded to his 'big brother', and remembered Lu Ten explaining the flame had to stay low or the entire puff would become a flaming sugar-bomb—as the older boy had learned over a bonfire one night with his usual group of close friends.

Of course, Azula was a princess—and only four or five at this time—she'd never been camping…

"Princess Azula, I don't think you should—" started Pho in caution, but the little girl was too furious to listen.

" _I'll teach you to play tricks on a princess!"_  she shrieked, unleashing all the firebending fury a young child possessed.

… a young firebending  _prodigy_ , that is…

(An hour or so later that fateful day)

"So you were bending,  _unsupervised_ , in the garden; you shot at  _your cousin, the Crown Prince and your future Fire Lord_ , his friends and your brother; you missed and hit a giant marshmallow, which  _just happened_  to be sitting in the tree; it turned into a giant napalm bomb, fell on you, made you trip & roll down the hill, through the turtle-duck marsh, and into the pond."

Ursa looked at her 'daughter', unimpressed. At least, she was pretty sure her daughter was under there, somewhere.

"Yes," answered the stinking, smoking, sugar-coated, feather-and-duck-turd rolled mess before her, without hesitation. Said mess refused to give in and scratch the itchy patch of scalp where part of her hair had burned off in the melee—though the orbiting flies were getting quite annoying. "And it was all Zuko and cousin Lu Ten's fault! They were all sitting up in the tree, with their friends, and they were playing tricks on me, making me run all around the pond, and—"

"Azula, that is enough!" commanded the imposing woman, immediately silencing her daughter.

A thawing frozen-frog croaked into the resulting silence, still stuck to Azula's adhesive backside.

Ursa sighed heavily before settling her hands in her lap again. Azula stood tense with anger and humiliation, head bowed slightly in deference to her superior. "Cousin Lu Ten is ten years older than you, and your future leader—" began the woman when she'd regained her composure. "He would not be 'hanging out in a tree' with his friends, making fun of you. Now, your lies are becoming outrageous and disgraceful, young lady. You are to go straight to your room after you've cleaned yourself up. I just don't know what I'm going to tell your father, this time…"

At her dismissal, Azula mucked away bitterly towards her personal sleeping chambers in the residence, ignoring the looks (and stifled chuckles) sent her way by the palace staff.

It was, however, far harder to ignore the croaks of discomfort the frog was making from her rear end every time she took a step.

"Croak."

"Croak."

"Croaaaaaaaak…"

"Shut up!" she snarled, but couldn't even whirl on it to vent her frustration. Even through the heavy coating of goo, she could feel the amphibian was squirming around, trying to get loose.

"Croak."

"Croak-chirp!"

"Croak."

"Croak-chirp-chirp!"

Apparently, and much to Azula's dismay, frog number one had brought a friend.

xXxXxXx

Back in her cabin aboard the  _Debilitating Crimson Tide_ , Azula gazed unseeing through the porthole window. Ten years, and she still couldn't eat the damn stuff. Or stand frogs, for that matter. She hated bogs and marshes. If the Avatar or a battle ever led into a swamp, she'd send Mai or Ty Lee.

_Speaking of…_

Azula glanced around, realizing it was quite late at night and she hadn't seen or heard from her companions since before the scuffle on deck.

The ship was awfully quiet, too, now that she thought about it.

Where was everyone?

* * *

IN THE CREW'S MESS HALL, ABOARD THE D.C.T.

 

It had been an eventful day and night. The bookie had posted a notice on the Betting Board that the evening's incidents would be rolled over into the following day's calendar of events, to allow everyone a full night of sleep.

Except, perhaps, for the bookie herself.

* * *

IN MAI AND TY LEE'S CLOSET err…'CABIN', ABOARD THE D.C.T.

 

"Quit hogging the blankets," groused Mai, tugging the covers over to her side of the bed. She sighed as Ty Lee rolled over and mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep, again pulling the meager sheets with her.

As she stood up, carefully so as not to disturb her somnolent friend, Mai silently cursed Azula's orders to procure 'convenient' sleeping arrangements for them during the voyage. Convenient for Azula maybe, by having the two girls bunk together; but Mai wasn't entirely thrilled with the deal.

A slight rapping at her window drew Mai's attention away from her complaints, however, and she opened the port hole to admit a weary-looking messenger bird. Settling in the animal and taking the note from its leg, she heard Ty Lee stir behind her.

"Whussat?" yawned the sleepy girl, rubbing her eyes as Mai lit a candle to read the missive.

"The latest from Ozai," replied Mai flatly, starting to read aloud. Ty Lee interrupted.

"No, I mean on your face."

"…Beautymudmask," she muttered in an  _'oh shut up'_  tone, "—are you listening?" she asked miserably. Ty Lee nodded a bit and Mai continued, reading aloud.

" _Dear Ladies Mai and Ty Lee;_

_Your prompt delivery of the mission's progress is admirable. Keep up the good work.  
Sincerely,_

_Fire Lord Ozai."_

Mai frowned at the measly piece of correspondence.

"That's it?" asked Ty Lee in surprise, sitting up (slumped at attention) by this point. Mai peered closer and shook her head. "No, wait, there's something at the bottom—it looks like he wrote it in a rush. I need more light."

Several lamps later, Mai had a clear view of the imperial chicken scratch.

" _P.S.,"_  she read,  _"I'm joining the Sages on a Spiritual Retreat for a few days—solitary communal time with Agni; good for the battle, you know. Please take care of things in my absence. I'm sure you know best._  
Also, kindly continue lacing Azula's tea with Midol—and Valium, if you can manage it. I'm sure the crew will feel far more secure if she's dosed like an elephant seal.  
Regards,

_Your fearless leader,  
Fire Lord Ozai"_

Both girls looked over to the two dozen crates of Midol stacked in the corner of their room.

Uttering not a single word, Ty Lee moved to the pile of girl-problem-alleviators and nonchalantly threw a basket of laundry overtop them, successfully dissimulating the stash, while Mai pulled a small scroll, pot of ink, and a brush from the rickety desk and set to taking down their reply…

(TBC)

* * *

AN: Many,  _many_  thanks to my betas, SolitaryGuard and Kayanora! Also, a grateful nod to loveroftheflame for her touch of advice on a certain matter of green-eyed importance.

 

AN: References this chapter: the betting recurring in my stories is sort of inspired by a Gordon Korman book called "No Coins, Please". I read it when I was a kid. His books are wonderful—and far funnier than I could ever draft. Please go enjoy them free, courtesy of your local library. You won't be disappointed, I promise! (Especially if you can find "I Want To Go Home!" or "MacDonald Hall Goes Hollywood".) Also, the chicken flying through the air to the "It's still good!" line is obviously pulled from The Simpsons.

AN: Re-uploaded w/ some edits on June 17/2007.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Chapter 5**

* * *

GP2: Part 05: A brief interlude for Author's Notes:

 **Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"**  
Author: Moor  
Genre: General/Humour/Parody  
Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.  
Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".

AN: In this chapter, we 'meet the admirals'—really, really, really briefly.

* * *

 

**AN: For those who'd like a quick reference guide to the Admirals:**

**Bo:**  The 'leader' of the Admirals; strong, handsome, long haired, family-man, honourable, etc. Has several kids, and also keeps two special dragons…  
 **Po:**  'poof'; a gifted strategist, effeminate, portrayed as 'flamboyantly gay' & cliché, great at entertaining. A creative designer.  
 **Mo:**  'motherly'; the woman among the admirals; looks after everyone, loving, caring, sensitive, perceptive, incredibly athletic, doesn't take things personally. Courageous.  
 **Pho:**  'fool'; loves to eat noodles; is a little over-eager, charming, determined, loyal beyond all reason to the Fire Nation royal family, admires Azula, a fanboy. Will keep your secrets to the grave; loves unconditionally. He has the devil's luck sometimes…

-The admirals are a little older than the Avatar-Azula cast… by about 8-10 years or so. If that isn't giving too much more away… They were all friends of Lu Ten's while he was attending the Fire Nation Academy.

-Bo, Po, Mo, Pho are the first 'characters' in the Chinese 'alphabet'… so that wise crack in the first chapter about someone calling them the 'alphabet team', was a little tongue-in-cheek.

* * *

 

AN: Well, that's a lot of action in one chapter, eh? Actually, there will be a fair amount of action coming up—I already have the next chapter back from one of my betas, so I'm just waiting to get it back from the other before I make my last edits & upload it! I wrote up my reference/characterization notes for each of the admirals to help you differentiate them a bit better—Kayanora pointed out that I hadn't been altogether clear about who was who. Please comment & tell her 'thanks' if you needed this, too!

AN: If you need an even  **clearer**  picture of the admirals… Um, can anyone draw? You're welcome to draw up your own pic of the A-Team! If so, send me the link (if you have a DevArt account, for example). In the next chap, I'll link to your fanart if you've drawn up your own mini-version of the 'Damned Admirals'! (And everyone else would probably appreciate it, too!)

AN: Hopefully I'll have that next chap for you soon. My betas are pretty top-notch. XD

* * *

**Chapter 6: Chapter 6**

* * *

**Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"**  
Author: Moor  
Genre: General/Humour/Parody  
Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.  
Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".

AN: In this chapter, alliances are made and broken; the Fire Lord gets blackmailed; and Azula discovers a stowaway on board the D.C.T. Toph also becomes the personal trainer to a rebel earth bending army—if they can take it, that is… And-could it be true? Yes, it is! It's a miracle! The  _Debilitating Crimson Tide_  is casting off!

* * *

 

ON THE BRIDGE, D.C.T.

"By definition captains are soldiers who are required to follow orders. I will use smaller words so that there is no confusion: I don't care what you need to do, what Spirit you need to appease, or who you need to kill," stated the Princess coldly, staring calmly into the Captain's eyes. "But you are to have this ship leave port at the appointed time, no matter what it takes. Otherwise you and your entire family will discover whether human sacrifices are accepted by the Spirits as currency in the Spirit World. Is that understood?"

The captain nodded, swallowing faintly. "Yes, your Highness."

Azula smiled. "We'll soon discover the veracity of that claim. I'll see you on deck when we cast off."

With that, she turned and exited the bridge to do a final once-over before they set sail.

There was less than 5 hours to go. The boilers were already rumbling in their eagerness to depart. Azula's internal fire mirrored them…

In a coal-powered mechanical carriage headed to some fire nation hot springs—OZAI GO ONSEN

" _Dear Fire Lord Ozai,"_  he read the jet-handled scroll as he rode on,  _"We're sorry to report that we have yet to leave port. Luckily the mutiny was subdued and order was quickly restored."_

Ozai smiled internally; he'd known the girls would sort things out. The missive's next lines, however, caused him to question his original decision to send them along on the mission.

" _Unfortunately, we seem to have misplaced the 'Princess Girl-Problem Nullifiers' you so helpfully provided us with. It will cost approximately 250 gold pieces – paid to each of Ladies Ty Lee and me – in order to replenish the supply before we set sail. The fee will double if it is not paid before we weigh anchor in several hours. I'm sure you understand how much more difficult it will become to procure these items one we're at sea. Speed is of the essence to ensure the mission's success—and everyone's safety, of course…"_

The Fire Lord's grip tightened on the black scroll.  _They_   _couldn't be…_

" _In closing, we wish you well at your_ _ **retreat**_ _and will keep in touch. Often. So you're aware of everything that's going on.  
Awaiting expectantly,_

_Your faithful servants,_

_Ladies Ty Lee and Mai._

_PS: Four hours and counting, your Eminence."_

Ozai sat up and stared incredulously at the dark parchment crumpled in his fist.

By the Spirits—those girls were blackmailing him!

The faint wave of respect and pride he felt at the audacious ambition the pair of women most certainly learned from Azula, and by proxy himself, was obliterated by two simple facts: First, Azula would kill him in as many (and yes that little hell-spawn would find a way of administering all of them)…unpleasant ways as possible; and second, no one, NO ONE blackmails Fire Lord Ozai!

So, presented with various pain-filled ways of demise, he would just have to acquiesce… until he could turn the tables.

ABOARD THE D.C.T.

"You know, I'm not sure if it was such a good idea now," remarked Ty Lee idly while she swung her legs over the side of the ship. Sun occasionally broke through the cloud cover, but both girls wore overcloaks on deck that morning. Standing beside her, leaning back against the railing on the main deck, Mai smirked. "Relax; we'll be hearing from him in five-four-three-two-one-"

She raised a hand laconically while, from behind her, an exhausted pair of pitch-black messenger-carrier birds dropped a heavy sack of gold into her palm before settling in on the railing beside her—"Paydirt."

Mai fed them a bit of food from a hidden pocket in her robes, rewarding them for their prompt delivery.

"Wow, Mai—you really know how to move," remarked Ty Lee in surprise, and Mai shrugged, knowing her friend meant 'get other people to do the moving for you', not just move her deadly daggers when under attack.

"Yes, you do," confirmed Admiral Mo in a complimentary tone, approaching the pair from a doorway a few meters away.

Ty Lee snapped into a respectful—though 'ready'—stance on deck while Mai straightened and turned to face the woman smiling knowingly at them.

"You're the woman from town the other day," stated Mai. "I thought you were following us." She almost sounded disappointed.

"I'm sorry, I had my own orders," explained their senior with apology clear in her gaze. She kept her eyes locked on the suspicious ones of her audience, maintaining their attention. "My name is Admiral Mo; I think it's time we talked."

Relaxing—slightly—, Mai and Ty Lee looked at each other before turning back to the speaker and nodding, accepting the admiral's offer of hospitality with a slight bow. Mo relaxed in turn and smiled warmly at the girls, gesturing for them to follow her.

As they entered the dark corridors of the ship, Ty Lee gave Mai a quick jab in the solar plexus with her elbow; mumbling darkly under her breath about 'pushy acrobats', Mai grudgingly handed over half the gold they'd just received. Ty Lee smiled cheerfully at Mai in thanks.

xXx

Within Po's private suite Mo was handed a drink before the imposing woman sat down gracefully across from the two younger ones at the low table.

"As you sure you girls are fine with tea? Po's a genius when it comes to entertaining," insisted the feminine leader, raising the lovely glass her companion had just given her.

"Oh,  _Mo_ ," gushed Po, embarrassed. "Flattery will get you everywhere!" He prepared a second drink for her and finally one for himself before joining the women at the table, setting Mo's fancy glass down by the snacks.

"Actually, we're pretty great, thanks," assured Ty Lee. Most of her original discomfort at associating with the admirals had worn off as she'd become more accustomed to Mo and Po's easy, at times even cheeky, banter.

"So now that we're all  _here_ , why don't we get started?" bubbled Po, sashaying to a sitting position by his fellow admiral. Mo nodded and addressed Mai and Ty Lee.

"While we do work as a team, we admirals also operate independently from time to time…. That day in the marketplace was a bit of both. I'm sorry if it seems like I deceived you. I brought you here to apologize, but also to introduce myself and Po. We're already well aware of your duties to her Highness, as we were briefed before we boarded about the mission and key positions each of us would hold. I believe we'll be seeing a lot of each other—and we need to work together on this mission."

"We're already busy with Princess Azula," pointed out Mai, "I don't know if we'll be 'seeing as much of each other' as you think…"

"If it leaves you enough time to run a gambling operation under the nose of your immediate superior in order to collect reconnaissance and manipulate the crew, thus effectively controlling the mission  _and_  the Fire Lord," Po smiled genteelly at Mai, "I'm sure you can spare us a minute or two out of your  _busy_  day."

Mai sipped her tea, appearing completely unaffected by Po's words. "So the jig's up. Oh well. Pass me a chocolate strawberry, Ty Lee?" she asked in her usual bored tone. She turned hooded eyes back to her hosts. "Thanks. I hadn't realized how obvious I'd become in my boredom."

"How did you know?" breathed Ty Lee, looking at the pair of admirals in surprise and admiration as she served the plate of delicacies to her friend.

Mo and Po shared a secret smile before the Amazonian woman spoke. "We've been at this game a bit longer than you two—three," she amended, thinking of Azula, "have. Chalk it up to age and experience."

"So you're omniscient?" remarked Mai, trying not to divulge the level of her curiosity. Not that she was a genius, but it was definitely worth a bit of investigation to find out how her scheme's vulnerabilities had been so swiftly detected—though not exploited. Knowing how she'd been caught his time would help her plot more thoroughly in the future…

The maussade girl paused.

 _That's something_ , she realized— _why didn't they expose the plan when they figured it out?_  She instinctively felt the familiar weight of one of her throwing knives rest in her palm, warmed by her own body heat and hidden by her sleeve.  _If they brought us here to dispose of us…_

"Who are you working for?" asked Po, ignoring Mai's barb and leaning on the side of his chair. He swirled the liquid around in his glass and eyed the girls patiently. "We didn't bring you here to scare you, just ask you where you stand in…," he raised one of his hands in a vague, encompassing gesture, "… _this_."

"We're sitting," said Mai.

"In your gay-gay a-go-go lounge," added Ty Lee.

"And, potentially, in a pile of komodo-rhino dung as high as Mai's hair-meatballs," retorted Mo sarcastically, shocking Mai and Ty Lee with her harsh tone. Po appeared unperturbed, too used to his friend's behaviours to be shocked by them anymore. The female admiral growled in frustration at Mai and Ty Lee's obtuse oblivion. "Believe it or not, we aren't out to get you two, understand? But we need to know who or what you're working for so we don't end up crossing paths in a bad way later; when it could really count."

The two young women looked at Mo, and Po, and silently weighed their options. It didn't seem like there was an outright threat to their personal lives at the moment; in fact, it truly did seem like Mo was trying to find out how best to keep them out of 'things', should they get complicated later. That wasn't necessarily for the best, however, thought Mai and Ty Lee; there was a lot for them to learn, too—particularly about subterfuge. But the admirals were offering them a great deal of freedom and choice in their answers… Freedom they may not be able to afford later.

And they still had Azula to reckon with.

A bit of wiggle room and negotiation with the admirals now may put them in a better position later. With this mission, they'd need every lucky charm and chinchilla-bunny's foot they could collect. Mai and Ty Lee glanced at each other imperceptibly.

"Can we ask a few questions before we answer?" inquired Ty Lee, breaking the heavy silence.

Po smiled softly at her. "Of course! But we can't guarantee to give you the exact answer you're looking for –executive privilege, you know," he said, and winked at her.

Mai raised an eyebrow in derision. "Fine—we'll be making use of our 'Hench Wench' privileges, then," she smirked. Po chuckled at her, while Mo looked on, relieved.

"So how'd you figure it out—more specifically," asked Ty Lee.

"This isn't our first time in battle, obviously." Mo took a sip of her drink, and continued when the girls kept looking at her, not understanding. "We're partly commanders of this mission…"

"We've worked with some of these soldiers before. And some of our superiors on this mission are our commanding officers from past battles. We did some of the planning for this mission ourselves," hedged Po, taking up where Mo left off. Mai and Ty Lee kept looking at him blankly. "Including personnel decisions…"

Ty Lee gasped. "You chose the crew! You've been keeping an eye on US!"

At Po's impressed expression, Mo grinned and said, "Told you they were quick on their feet…."

"Actually Mo, as the little hell-cat pointed out, they're sitting." Po gave the two young women a sly wink then continued, "I find that thinking in any position is an excellent…endowment, don't you agree? Particularly those who work alongside me. And under me…"

"Was that all, though?" asked Mai bringing the conversation back to topic while heroically stifling any reaction.

Po smiled as he took a sip of his drink. "Executive privilege, my Lady," he replied. "By the way, we have no intention of killing you. So, Kitten would you mind retracting your claws? It's rude to play with those pointies in front of your host. At least without sharing the fun…."

In less than the blink of an eye, Mai's knife had whipped forward to end Po's own heartbeats…

Instead, Po caught the offending object in one hand, effortlessly, not even twitching—until he got a closer look at the blade.

" _Ooh!_  I have the matching set in my armoire, darling!" he cried in happy surprise, his eyes lighting up in appreciation. "We'll have to buff together sometime!"

"So, uh, next question!" gasped Ty Lee as she physically restrained Mai from launching another pointy offensive at their gracious hosts (Mo, meanwhile, was having a devil of a time withholding her laughter). "Who do you guys work for?"

"The greatest leader of the Great Fire Nation," declared Mo proudly. The commanding look in her eye softened momentarily as she looked at the table.

"You don't mean Ozai, do you?" asked Ty Lee.

Po inclined his head slightly—not saying 'no', but not agreeing, either.

"Zhao? Azulon?" tried Ty Lee next.

Po and Mo sipped at their cups peacefully.

"…Zuko?" asked Mai curiously, a mild blush to her cheeks.

The admirals looked at each other—and burst out laughing, snorting and shooting alcohol out their noses as they fell off their seats and onto the floor, howling.

"…  _s'not that funny_ ," muttered Mai darkly under her breath, looking away. She was mortified.

"No, no, that's not it—" gasped Mo, leaning against Po for support.

"Well, not  _entirely_ —"interrupted Po with a glint to his eye. He and Mo snickered and fell down laughing again.

Mai held back a dark glare— _these were the fools who'd caught her mastermind plan? She was seriously slipping…_

"Sorry, sorry," breathed Mo as she and Po poured their aching bodies back into their seats. "So, did either of you have any more questions?" Obviously, she wasn't going to divulge who their commander was.

"I think we're good, thanks," said Mai coldly, and Ty Lee nodded.

"Then you'll kindly return the favour and tell us your own motivations; who, or what, do you both work for?"

Mai held Po's gaze as she clearly recited, "None other than her Highness, Crown Princess Azula of the Fire Nation."

"Same," confirmed Ty Lee around a mouthful of moonpeach cake.

"Hmmm…"

Mo glanced at Po, who shrugged, and helped herself to a cracker. She didn't eat it, though, just looked it over, deep in thought, before finally saying, "I see."

"In that case, I believe we need to have a discussion about her Highness," continued Mo gravely.

"Regarding?" droned Mai, tiring of the interview.

"Her current—or immediately forthcoming—condition," said Po.

"You know, not to be sexist or weird, but why are you still here if it's about  _that_?" asked Ty Lee, looking at the lone male with renewed discomfort. And pity.

"Oh, trust me Ty Lee," said Mo, "if anyone knows women, it's Po," she assured.

"You see, the day we boarded, some trucks were erroneously deposited in my possession," continued Po, standing and walking over to a covered pile of trunks in the far corner of the room. He pulled the sheet from them dramatically, revealing Azula's missing possessions. Mai and Ty Lee immediately recognized the royal emblem on them, and sat up straighter.

"I think it's pretty obvious why we can't deliver these back to her Highness," said Mo, and the girls nodded in understanding.

"No one wants a Mary Celeste," agreed Mai.

"Precisely—neither here, nor in battle," added Po shortly.

"So, we'd like to work with you two to prevent any kind of apocalypse-at-sea from occurring on this mission, if at all possible," finished Mo in an optimistic voice.

"What did you have in mind?" asked Ty Lee cautiously.

"And what do we get out of it?" said Mai. "I hope it's not more work."

Po sighed dreamily. "Wouldn't it be nice if you each had your own room—and bed?" Asked the man sweetly, nibbling on a crepe. "Oh, these pastries are just fabulous!"

The teenage girls' eyes were riveted to the effeminate man before them. Mo had been right; Po truly did know women.

"You mean—" started Mai.

"—we wouldn't have to come out of the closet anymore!" cried Ty Lee excitedly.

While Mo and Po laughed good naturedly at Ty Lee's slip, Mai groaned and rubbed her temples.

"Ty, we've talked about this…" she said tiredly.

As the other girl apologized profusely, the group settled in to discuss battle strategies and contingency plans to cope with the deadly threat befalling them in several days' time—not dealing with the Earth Kingdom; but rather, with Azula's impending cycle.

xXx

EARTH KINGDOM REBEL ARMY CAMP, MID-MORNING

"Now that you've had a chance to rest, I'll introduce you to everyone," said Haru, smiling kindly as he led Katara down a path through the dense foliage towards the rest of the huts. "They've been really eager to meet you; everyone's been away from their families for a long time."  _And their women_ , he added mentally, but didn't share that aloud. He planned on keeping Katara within sight during the duration of the stay, just in case things got rowdy.

"Oh, thank you, Haru—but don't you think we should take everyone else with us, too?" she asked, pointing back at her comrades.

'Everyone else' was popping their heads sleepily out of their huts, intrigued at the noise. Well, there was one head that was decidedly not-sleepy. Giving the earthbender a sullen look, Zuko exited his hut, fully dressed and ready for battle.

"I don't know if you'll need your armour right away, Nephew," counseled Iroh. "It's awfully early."

Zuko, who wasn't wearing the armour to defend against the Earthbenders, ignored him.

"Sure, good idea, Katara!" agreed Haru after a brief, disappointed pause. "Sorry, I guess I was just too eager to have everyone meet the Avatar and his sifus."

"Then I guess one of us should wake Aang," commented Sokka drily. Sure enough, there was no sign of the young monk's tell-tale tattoos yet amongst the waking faces.

Katara sighed. "It's ok, I'll go—" but she was interrupted by a loud  _crunch-SNAP!_  and Toph yawning, "I got it."

" _Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!"_  screamed Aang as he was ripped from his slumber and launched fullspeed through the air, hurtling towards the rest of the newly assembled group.

"Aang!" Katara hollered at her friend desperately, cupping her hands around her mouth to fashion a crude megaphone. " _AIR_ bend!"

With barely a split-second to spare, the air nomad conjured enough of an air scooter to jump onto, promptly bouncing up before landing on a puff of wind to break the last of his fall—mostly. As he rolled into the group, he ran into Toph and smiled cheesily at her.  
"Good one, Toph! That one definitely woke me up on the first try!"

"Anytime, Twinkle Toes."

"Morning routine," explained Katara quietly in a nonchalant tone of voice when she saw Haru's look of horror. "Trust me, that's nothing compared to what she has to do to wake Sokka sometimes."

The latter meanwhile sniffed the air and turned towards a path. "I think breakfast is calling us this way," he said, indicating with a jerk of his thumb the general direction. "Haru, are you coming?" he asked a moment later when their host hadn't followed.

"We'll be right there!" Katara called back when Haru still didn't answer, or move.  _Poor guy's in shock,_  she realized sympathetically.

"Suit yourself," Sokka shrugged & led everyone else towards the scent of cooking food.

-Everyone but a young firebender.

"Is he catatonic?" growled Zuko.

Katara gave him a dark look. "Of course not! He's just not used to Toph's style of direct situational management yet. He'll get it when she starts teaching everyone," she replied confidently.

At this, Haru turned to Katara incredulously. " _ **She's**_  the Avatar's Earth Bending master?" he asked. "She's blind, though—and she reminds me of some legendary Earth Bending Tournament wrestler—"

"The  _Blind_  Bandit?" asked Zuko, unimpressed.

"Yes! How did you—"

"Yeah, that's Toph! You're very lucky, actually—she doesn't usually take on new students," continued Katara, gently coaxing Haru down the path Sokka had taken. Haru kept mumbling something about 'unforeseen circumstances' and 'renewed efforts' as they slowly made their way to the camp mess site. Zuko followed from the rear, and could hear Katara gradually convincing Haru of Toph's splendid teaching qualifications.  
"It'll go better than you think, Haru, trust me!" she said, smiling beatifically at the concerned young man. Zuko snorted, but kept his thoughts to himself.

"I'm sure everyone will be thrilled to have someone so distinguished here—" started Haru, finally coming around to the idea of having a well-bred, upper-class, celebrity Earth Bender on staff to train his men.

"I said I wanted my eggs well done, you miserable excuse for a chef!" complained Toph, sending the poor man flying through the air on a wave of dirt.

"—kicking their ass into shape…" finished Haru distantly. "Yes, we're very lucky to have such a fine teacher in our ranks. Thank you, Katara," he said weakly, and wandered off to help the cook up. Katara laughed nervously and tried to summon an encouraging smile for her friend.

"Oh, that Toph, such a kidder!" she called to Haru. She winced and followed Zuko to collect some breakfast from the queue, each taking their usual spots in the circle thereafter. (For Zuko, it was a short distance  _away_  from the annoying circle.)

Rejoining them a few minutes later, Haru sidled up casually to a solitary Zuko and leaned in, whispering, "So I see why you wear your armour," and nodded towards Toph. The young woman was busy cracking jokes with Iroh and didn't pay the two young men any attention. Katara sat between her brother and Aang. Zuko snorted and shook his head before going back to his food.

Haru looked at the firebender in consternation. "What? What is it?"

Zuko ignored him and ate his breakfast in his usual self-imposed silence.

Confused, Haru settled in to eat the remains of his own meal.  _Why else would Zuko be wearing such blatantly custom-made, extra-reinforced, double-plated armour?_ He wondered…. He hadn't even removed his helmet to eat breakfast.

"So," he tried to small-talk his way into friendship with the firebender, "has Katara ever mentioned me?" he asked hopefully.

"No," answered Zuko, still focused on his meal.

"Are you sure? We had a pretty big experience together," boasted the kind young man, hoping to jog Zuko's memory.

Zuko looked over at him for a moment, then went back to his breakfast.

"Have you known her long? If you haven't, that may be why she hasn't told you about me," smiled Haru.

Zuko was beginning to question why the other young man was so adamant about getting information about Katara out of him.

"She's amazing, isn't she?" continued Haru, and Zuko got a very bad feeling in his gut. He kept his head down, praying the other man would leave soon.

"Is there anything going on between you two?" hedged the earthbender, and Zuko suddenly realized what was happening.  _Oh sweet Spirits, please, just kill me now and get the suffering over with._

The firebender sent the silent prayer heavenward and pretended not to have heard Haru's question. Also, he really didn't like the way the Earthbender was eyeing the young woman.  _Actually_ … Zuko looked around the campsite and saw similar looks of adoration on the faces of most of the other soldiers, too… all aimed at the water tribe maiden.  _This is possibly one of the worst situations the waterbender could be in right now,_  he mused, and sympathized with her discomfort.

"Zuko? Do you know? Is she seeing anyone?"

 _We're going to be here a week and he's already annoying._  Zuko finished his food and walked his plate to the wash station, letting one of the on-duty soldiers look after it.

Haru followed close behind him confidently, and casually offered a hand to the young man. "I know we've sort of met each other, but just to have a proper introduction, I'm Haru."

Seeing Katara's disapproving glare when he made a move to walk away from the Earthbender again, Zuko relented and shook the other man's hand. "Zuko," he replied, and felt the hair on the back of his neck relax when Katara shot him an approving smile.  _Ok, not all bad_ , he conceded.

Haru's resulting smile at the 'warm' handshake, however, nearly blinded him.

As the others finished breakfast, they set out to meet the rest of the troops; Zuko still rubbing his eyes on occasion when he'd see spots.

Haru didn't let up his impromptu inquisitions, however… "So, does she prefer flowers or chocolate?" he asked Zuko.

Zuko growled deep in his throat. _If he doesn't shut up soon I will let him handle certain walking death-traps on his own._

Ahead of him, Katara and Toph joked and walked on, oblivious

xXx

"These are our archers," explained Haru as the group observed the talented troupe shoot down a series of moving targets suspended from some tree branches a few hundred yards away. Everyone nodded approvingly and clapped to thank the demonstrators.

"They aren't quite Yuu Yan, but they're very skilled nonetheless," complimented Iroh as they moved to the next group, the airborne weapons, situated on the border of a clearing.

"Here, we've made great strides with our accuracy and variety of projectiles," indicated Haru. He nodded to a few loosely-uniformed men who proceeded to fill several types of launch-machines with a miscellany of objects. Each had a different, destructive result when it impacted its target.

"I think I'm gonna like it here," remarked Sokka lightly after a particularly explosive crash.

Haru smiled, pleased at the positive feedback garnered. He continued on to the hand-to-hand combat and close-range weapons training ring where several teams of fighters were involved in 'practice' sparring to show off their skills to the group of visitors.

"Welcome to the—"

"I think this one's pretty self-explanatory," said Toph, and Haru smiled and scratched the back of his head in amusement.

The group winced in unison as one team of fighters took a particularly devastating, coordinated strike from their opponents.

"That's gotta hurt," remarked Sokka off-hand.

"Your instincts help you with that one, Captain Obvious?" retorted Toph, and the two started bickering lazily.

"Uh, Katara, would you…" asked Haru politely, pointing to the wounded men.

"Already on it," said the waterbender pleasantly, her hand enveloped in healing water before he'd finished his request.

"So where are the 'benders?" asked Aang while Katara tended to the damaged people. The 'wounded' lined up in orderly fashion as the lovely young healer ministered to them, he noted though, that their wounds seemed remarkably superficial upon closer scrutiny.

Aang's brows knit.

_Why would they suddenly…?_

One man practically skipped to Katara to be treated; the next bowed low and kissed her hand when she was done; the third did a handspring right after Katara 'healed' him; then cart wheeled back to present her a bouquet of wildflowers.

"What a bunch of—" sputtered Aang, starting angrily towards the charlatans.

"Stay here," muttered Toph, passing the young man (sending him flying out of the way) and going to collect their friend before she ended up surrounded. Haru was still droning on proudly about the demonstration, completely ignorant of Katara's situation.

As Aang watched, Toph casually approached the next man in line, tapped him on the shoulder, and whispered something in his ear when he bent down to her. The young man immediately straightened, looking uncomfortable. He glanced at Toph as she proceeded to do the same to the next man in line. Same reaction. As she moved down the line of 'wounded' men, the first ones glanced at each other and calmly walked away without saying a word.

By the time Katara finished healing her latest patient, Toph's words had worked their magic—not a single man was left in line. In fact, the last one had just finished leaping over the hedge in his efforts to get away.

Toph walked Katara back to the group as they headed towards the bending ring, Sokka remarked about the last patient, "For a guy who had a twisted ankle just a few minutes ago, he was pretty spry." Thus is the power of Toph.

"And over here, finally," lectured Haru, "is where we train our earth benders."

The group stood on a small bluff overlooking another area cleared of brush and trees. Boulders lined one side and a series of man-deep ditches were carved near the other. Despite the sunshine filtering through the leafy canopy above them, they couldn't find any sign of human life on the patch of earth; no movement, no sound, not even any scent of the troupe that was supposed to be practicing.

Not even the crickets came out to mock them.

"See this?" Toph pointed at her own face, "this is the face of someone blown away by your awesome display of earthbending. Wow, Haru—I've never seen anything like it"

"Aren't they fantastic!" Enthused Haru proudly into the silent abyss.

"Uh, yeah…" started Aang slowly, rolling on his heels to give Katara a significant, 'he's craaaaazy' look. "But, just to be sure…"

"You know, I think we could all use a little leading-by-the-hand on this one, Haru," said Katara delicately.

"What do you mean? Isn't it obvious?" replied Haru.

"Is this a joke?" exploded Zuko, losing his temper. Iroh rubbed the side of his head, as if he'd been expecting the prince's reaction. "Unless your benders are  _invisible_ , my sister's going to wipe the floor with you and leave you to the carrion birds to finish!"

"Exactly!"

"Argh!" Zuko screamed in frustration and slapped the forehead of his helmet with his palm.

"Uh, Haru, I think we need to have a talk about the difference between 'leadership' and 'delusional reality'."

"No, no, no, Sokka, I mean that's it exactly—they're  _supposed_  to be 'invisible'. It's the only move they've mastered—so far," explained Haru patiently.

"Not focusing much on your offence, are you?" questioned Iroh, scratching his head. "Aren't you usually more direct? This doesn't seem much like traditional earth bending to me."

"Just watch." Haru walked into the middle of the clearing and with one hand in front of him, swung into a crouched position and heaved downwards on the ground with his other palm, sending out a minor shockwave that made the dirt beneath the group tremble and each member stumble for their footing.

"Wait-now I feel them!" yelled Toph, putting her own palm on the ground, mimicking Haru's pose.

"Great, now all the earthbenders are insane," complained Sokka in falsetto cheer. "We're dealing with make-believe dirt-pushers. This is  _just_  peachy."

"No, I think she's right, Sokka. I can feel them too," interrupted Aang, holding his staff closer as if sensing an attack. "But I can't see them."

Haru smiled and sent a series of quick blasts downward, signaling his comrades to show themselves. To which they complied, and surfaced from the ground. The squad of elite benders stood confidently, smiling at the Avatar and his companions as they stared back, flabbergasted.

"You fight…  _underground_?" asked Sokka.

"The firebenders will likely stay topside, you know… This may not be very effective," cautioned Iroh.

"That isn't all they do; just watch," and they all did, again, while Haru spoke quickly and quietly with the captain and the squad of benders took their positions.

Aang, Katara, Sokka and Iroh watched attentively and prepared to be impressed (while Zuko and Toph folded their arms and scowled).

"Ready?" called Haru.

"Sir!"

"Positions!"

"Sir!"

Toph noticed an odd vibration coming from her friend beside her. She faced Katara. "You ok?" she asked the older girl, and the question caught Zuko's attention, too. "You're kinda—"

"Fine, Toph. But thanks, though!"

Toph shrugged. "Whatever…"

Haru continued on, oblivious of the girls' exchange.

"Go!"

"Sir!"

With a series of expertly executed moves, the earthbenders swung their arms around and stomped into action. The ground shook, rocks flew in a dust-stirring mass, and the Aang gang stumbled again, though this time they all managed to maintain their footing. Birds and animals that had been silent a moment earlier were now cawing, scurrying and scrambling away, desperate to escape. It all came to a head when the earth tore open in a series of furrows before the rebel soldiers. Seizing on the moment, the soldiers then jumped into the veering pits, pulling the earth overtop of them and effectively dissimulating them from all normal human perception.

After a moment of silence had passed, Haru 'called' the soldiers topside again, and the men popped up from various position surrounding the traveling group. The ground beneath their feet rumbled deeply and shifted again as they did so.

Katara paled, feeling ill.

Toph sensed another wavering tremor through her feet.

"Katara, you really don't seem—" she began, but was cut off again.

"I'm fine, ok? Just fine. I just need to go do… something," snapped Katara uncomfortably, paling further and holding her stomach. Zuko's uneasiness grew, and he started preparing himself for the inevitable.

"Ok, whatever you say, Sugar Queen," replied Toph passively, crossing her arms in front of herself again and turning her attention back to the earth benders. She was already preparing a witty quip to compare them to whack-a-badgermole carnival games…

Sokka, while impressed, felt some hesitation to speak his mind and considered his words carefully. "That's… that's really something!"

Zuko, however, was glad at the opportunity presenting itself. Venting was one of his strong points after all.

"Fox holes?!" cried the young firebender incredulously when Haru distracted him and asked for his reaction. "You've mastered the cowardly art of  _hiding_?"

"Nephew!" admonished Iroh, though he, too, was not reassured by the display.

"Good thing you've got Aang here now," interrupted Sokka, patting the young monk on the back, "you can figure out ways to use this more to your advantage," he added diplomatically.

"You're our idea-guy," whispered Aang uncertainly through his teeth to the older watertribesman as he tried to maintain his cheery grin.

There was one other who shared Zuko's blunt reaction, however.

"You bunch of pansies!" yelled Toph, stomping her foot and unsettling everyone in the resulting quake. Katara started inching towards the bushes a few meters away. "You have the gall to call yourselves  _earthbenders_!? How do you intend to fight like this?! Where's your offence?"

"We're still working on—"

"Not good enough!"

"But we have—"

"Let's see it."

"Um, well, you see—"

"Yeah, I thought so," snapped the young earthbending woman, stomping over to Haru and poking him arrogantly in the chest. "Now, if you ladies want to learn how to fight like earthbenders, I suggest you get ready to get dirty." She whirled to face the direction of the other soldiers. "Well, are you?" she called impatiently.

When they replied with but a temperate murmur, Toph threw down her fists with a growl. Stepping forward and pushing outward with a prominent stomp, she sent out a wave of rock that pile-drived the soldiers into a more respectable line-up. "We are going to try this again: Are you ready?"

"Sir! Yes sir!"

"It might work better if they're standing of their own free will," Sokka stage-whispered as Toph commenced brow-beating the collected burly men.

"First lesson: I'm going to throw a big rock at you, and you're going to stop it," bellowed the pint-sized drill sergeant, ignoring Sokka. "Rock fly!"

Skating to the opposite side of the clearing, she didn't even bother waiting for an answer and summoned half a dozen boulders, hovering them in the air before hurling them at her students.

"You there!" she screamed angrily at a young man who'd barely avoided one of the mammoth projectiles. "Two for flinching!"

" _Wait a second!"_  spoke up Haru, gasping for breath as he leapt up to defend his shaken comrade. "Two 'what'? What are you talking about?"

Toph jerked her thumb in Zuko's direction. "Two in the penalty box with Angry Lad," she explained impatiently, and bended a wrestling platform of sorts out of the earth to raise the firebender and his freshly jettisoned opponent.

"Any objections?" she barked, stretching her arms above her head to 'warm up'.

"Shouldn't you ask Zuko first?" suggested Aang cautiously.

Toph turned to face the young man in question—he already had his fire at the ready… in both hands.

"Something tells me he doesn't mind," replied Sokka, as he watched Iroh give his nephew a stern caution about the difference between 'training' and 'assault'.

Aang sighed. "So, do you want any help, Toph?" he called.

"I'll need help moving the carcasses of the slow ones a bit later," she returned.

"Gotcha, we'll wait over there then," said Sokka, pointing to a small copse of trees nearby.

Iroh joined the two young men a few moments later, looking around curiously.

"Did Miss Katara go back to camp?" he asked, settling in under the shade.

Aang shook his head a little sadly. "No, she's not very well… it's… you know."

Iroh looked at him, then over at Sokka.

"One of those girl things," expanded the watertribesman flippantly, waving one of his arms vaguely before settling it back behind his head again as he lay on the grass. "She gets sick for a few days every month. Remember, you talked to Zuko about it a little while ago…."

"Ahh, yes, of course, how could I have forgotten," sighed the older gentleman, smiling a little to himself. "I should have realized when Zuko came out in full armour this morning. He knows her cycle better than the rest of us, hahaha!"

"No wonder he's taking a piece out of every 'bender he's met up there, then," remarked Aang as another earthbender went flying from the 'fire ring'. Zuko motioned for the next one to enter. "But he seems to have learned how to handle her almost as well as the rest of us. It's predictable now, at least."

"As long as you don't have other women around, it should be fine," assured Iroh, tilting his hat down low over his eyes as he prepared for a quick nap.

"What do you mean?" asked Sokka, and Aang paid closer attention to the old man's next words, too.

"You mean you don't know? Oh, well… When women get together, sometimes their cycles change and go a bit…off." He rested his back against the tree trunk and his hands over his rotund belly as he sighed and gave a short yawn.

"' _Off' ?"_  asked Aang warily.

"Mm… They all go in sync. Then they're all crazy together. Makes things  _very interesting_  when they're benders," he yawned again, and his breathing evened out.

Aang and Sokka looked at each other in gradually increasing awareness, and fear. "When women are together—" started Aang.

"They all go in sync," finished Sokka.

Both looked over at the bushes where they could distantly hear Katara losing her breakfast, and then over to the earth bending training grounds, where Toph was apparently working out certain personal issues on her new student-victims.

"You know, she  _was_  a little harsher than usual…" said the monk with deadly calm as another 'bender's scream ripped through the air. The uncanny noise sent a chill down his tattooed spine.

"Is she even old enou—?" Sokka paused in mid-sentence as he tried to remember what Gran-Gran and his father had explained to him, years ago. "Wait, yep. She could be."

"Do you think Zuko has any more spare armour?" whispered Aang fearfully.

"I don't think armour's gonna cut it this time, Aang. Toph can  _bend metal_."

They sat in silence a few moments.

"Do you think…do you think we should ask her?" suggested Aang. "Would she know?"

Sokka gave him a confused look. "I think it's better if Katara does it."

They looked over to the bushes, where Katara was pale as a ghost, leaning against a tree. She waved weakly at them and made a motion of her hands to show she was heading back to camp to lie down.

"You know," started Aang again, "Iroh gave  _Zuko_  a pretty thorough lecture."

Sokka gave Aang a horrified look. "But, I've kinda started to like the old guy!"

Aang shook his head. "No, that's not what I mean…  _ZUKO_  got a pretty thorough lecture…"

"And Zuko's also a  _firebender_ ," agreed Sokka, seeing where Aang was going.

"And Zuko's gotten pretty good at handling Katara…"

"And you'll still have Iroh to teach you firebending if he doesn't make it through it," enthused Sokka, grinning at their burgeoning plan.

"So, you think we should get him to do it? If Katara's still too sick later, I mean?"

"I'm completely behind you in this, Aang."

The boys grinned at each other and settled back against the trees again, relieved at having come up with a master and contingency plan—to deal with 'in sync cycles'. Or, at least deluding themselves long enough to come up with a way to deal with another 'potential threat'—Zuko and Katara getting together.

"Yep, with him out of the way, she'll never have another guy come near her," mumbled Sokka to himself as he closed his eyes to sleep.

"Yeah, all the competition will be gone," agreed Aang.

Beside them, from beneath his oversize sun hat, Iroh muffled a chuckle and made it a snoring snort, in his sleep.

xXx

BOILER ROOM, ABOARD THE D.C.T.

"You couldn't take care of this yourself?" snapped Azula loudly over the boiler room noise, as a grubby Ty Lee pulled her along the corridor of the ship. "I don't have time for this—we're going to be shoving off soon, and I need to be on deck to—"

"Oh, you have to see for yourself, Azula—we found them!"

Sure enough, there before her inside the dingy boiler room, sat the Princess's trunks. Mai stood guard over the room from just outside. She was covering her ears sourly with her hands.

Azula's eyebrows furrowed. They'd checked this room, twice.  _How had they possibly missed…?_

"You found them like this?" she asked her colleagues over the din.

"Yeah—and the royal seals haven't been tampered with," added Mai.

"I don't trust this," stated the Princess clearly. "This could be a trap. Where are the admirals? Did they see anything?"

Ty Lee and Mai exchanged furtive glances behind Azula.

"Oh, we're pretty sure they've been busy all day," said Ty Lee.

"Something about keeping Pho diligently employed in the rhino stables," said Mai. She waited a moment, when Azula folded one arm across her chest and held her chin with her other hand pensively, and then sent a pointed look at Ty Lee. Catching the signal, the energetic woman bounded forward in one of her usual acrobatic displays of overabundant flair, and 'accidentally' kicked open one of the trunks when she landed 'wrong'.

"Oh geez, sorry Azula!" she cried apologetically. "But look… There doesn't seem to be anything missing—chocolate, Kleenex, tea, trashy romance novels, chips, pain killers, tamp—"

"That's enough, thank you, Ty Lee!" yelled the Princess, red creeping across her cheeks despite her efforts at self-control. Mai sent a subtle thumbs-up to the other girl from behind Azula's back. Azula's shoulders jerked in tense embarrassment as she fought to stay calm.

"Fine," she said, her breath heaving out of her in an angry rush. "Transport these back to my quarters and stay alert to any news as to where they were located prior to their 'reappearance.' I'm going to speak to the admirals—"

"Your Highness!" called an expertly-timed page, chiming in as the boiler room din increased. Mai smiled to herself as the second part of the plan fell into place. Ty Lee held her breath.

"What?" the PMSing young woman snapped, rounding on the newly arrived, poor young woman.

"Er, that is—Admiral Bo has requested an audience with you regarding Admiral Pho, in Admiral Pho's personal quarters. They said they'd appreciate meeting with you at your earliest convenience."

"I thought I explained before," started Azula with dwindling patience, her teeth clenched, "that any further disruptions emanating from Admiral Pho were to be directed strictly to—"

"It's about a stowaway, your Ladyship," said the cringing page in a tiny voice, as she cowered with one hand over her face to protect her from any potentially flaming retribution from the royal. She was barely audible over the noise of the machinery in the nearby room.

Azula stopped.

"Several stowaways, actually," continued the page in the same tiny voice.

"Hurry, then, we need to—" started Azula, realizing immediately the implications.

However, just then there came an explosive, massive rumbling noise and the rest of the engines in the boiler room shook and came alive, shocking the assembled women and throwing them to the floor in their intensity. As they quickly recovered, another sound harkened. From overhead, the captain's voice bleated through the public address intercom :

" _All hands on deck; all hands on deck; the ship is leaving port. All hands on deck; all hands on deck; the ship is leaving port. All senior officers, please report to the bridge immediately. I repeat, we're casting off."_

The rumbling became a shudder, a stagger, and then a tangible 'pull' as the ship groaned and rolled.

 _We're casting off…_ _ **we're casting off!**_ The Princess stared incredulously at the boiler room—then accusingly at the page.

"Tell the admirals I'll see them on the bridge—and they better be there quickly," she ordered the page, and the messenger set off at a sprint. Azula then turned to Ty Lee and Mai. "One of you, stay here with my things; the other, go get someone to move them. I'll meet you in my quarters when we've made it to open water. You are to supervise every trunk that leaves this room," she enunciated clearly. "And shut that door—this is a naval ship, not a zoo."

With that, Azula rushed towards the nearest exit that led to the upper tower of the deck, to the bridge. Her sharp footsteps pounded the metal floors as she charged ahead, and soon were indistinguishable from the ship's noise.

Once their superior was safely out of sight, the girls looked at each other and called back to the two admirals who'd eavesdropped from just inside the boiler room.

"Good job, you two," smiled Mo, giving each girl a quick handshake in thanks.

Ty Lee shrugged. "Glad to have everything sorted out! Thanks again for not ratting out our side business."

"It comes in handy for us, too, you know," replied the female admiral with a mischievous look in her eye. "And Mai, good job—your timing's impeccable." Her tone reflected how deeply she was impressed.

"Yes, Mai, you  _must_  come visit again!" Po dove forward and grabbed both the goth-girl's hands in his. Then he looked down at her closely, as if for the first time. He examined her physique—or so she thought. "I love what you've done with these colours and still managing to create a flattering shape with their contrast!" admitted Po, giving her a once-over with a finger to the side of his head as he looked at her outfit with more scrutiny.

Mai looked at him oddly. "You… noticed?" she asked, and for once didn't sound completely bored. If anything… there was a certain curiosity and yearning to her voice.

" _Of course, darling!_  It's original, it's somber, it's so moody, but so exquisite! We  _have_  to trade designs sometime!" He offered her a warm, inviting smile.

Mai was faintly stunned; she wasn't sure what to do.

"And we have to compare daggers—yours  _definitely_  look sharper than mine," he admitted, hoping to draw her in. "How do you do it? Do you come up with your own methods?"

Ok, now Mai was just plain flattered.

A slight blush to her cheeks, she nodded a little shyly and looked away slightly. "Yeah, I have a few things…"

"Great! We'll set up a time for 'pointers' and drinkies!"

Behind them, Ty Lee and Mo grinned at each other.

"A match made in heaven?" whispered Mo, trying not to laugh.

Ty Lee giggled nodded, and hopped up onto a box. "So, should we take these down now?" she asked out loud, getting everyone's attention.

"Might as well," said Mai. She looked at Po. "Where are they?"

Po smiled beautifully at her. "All you need to do is whistle…" he said musically, and did so. From further in the boiler room, a half-dozen servant men appeared… scantily-clad.

"I see you've already made some wardrobe amendments," noted Mai drily. Ty Lee was nearly in tears of ecstasy—she'd spotted a young man she just  _knew_  had a juggler's physique.

"I prefer to look at them as 'improvements'," corrected Po.

The trunks were quickly moved to their correct abode for the journey, without further incident.

xXx

Azula, exhausted and in girl-pain but refusing to admit it, grumpily made her way to Admiral Pho's quarters following the spectacle-free, run of the mill, thank-goodness-nothing-else–happened, cast off from port. She'd sent the admirals away once they'd hit open waters, promising to come see them once she'd checked on her things. Ty Lee and Mai had followed her orders and seen that everything arrived safely. So the Princess had taken their proferred cup of tea and made her way to the Admirals' quarters.

Throwing her shoulders back as she raised her head imperiously, she rapped on the door.

And heard a muffled 'squawk!' from inside.

xXx

Bo rushed through the corridors as quickly as he could without daring to appear rushing. His long hair flew behind him as his boots clacked on the metallic floor.

He knew he should have stayed with Pho, but the urgent message had forced him to separate from the other man and write a quick reply from his own quarters. He just hoped he wasn't too—

"But you don't  _understand_ ," Pho's plaintive voice reached Bo's ears even from around the corner. "They were making a break for freedom—they deserve to  _live_!"

Then Bo heard electricity crackling.

He ran.

* * *

 

**AN: For those who'd like a quick reference guide to the Admirals! (yes, this is a repeat of the last chap—but just in case you need it again):**

**Bo:**  The 'leader' of the Admirals; strong, handsome, long haired, family-man, honourable, etc. Has several kids, and also keeps two special dragons…  
 **Po:**  'poof'; a gifted strategist, effeminate, portrayed as 'flamboyantly gay' & cliché, great at entertaining. A creative designer.  
 **Mo:**  'motherly'; the woman among the admirals; looks after everyone, loving, caring, sensitive, perceptive, incredibly athletic, doesn't take things personally. Courageous.  
 **Pho:**  'fool'; loves to eat noodles; is a little over-eager, charming, determined, loyal beyond all reason to the Fire Nation royal family, admires Azula, a fanboy. Will keep your secrets to the grave; loves unconditionally.  
-The admirals are a little older than the Avatar-Azula cast… by about 8-10 years or so. If that isn't giving too much more away… They were all friends of Lu Ten's while he was attending the Fire Nation Academy.  
-Bo, Po, Mo, Pho are the first 'characters' in the Chinese 'alphabet'… so that wise crack in the first chapter about someone calling them the 'alphabet team', was a little tongue-in-cheek.

* * *

 

AN: Well, that's a lot of action in one chapter, eh? (Sorry, I know, less funny- but you probably realised early on it was a set-up chapter, right? _Right?..._ )

AN: The line in the Ozai-go-onsen scene where Ty Lee and Mai blackmail Ozai, " _PS: Four hours and counting, your Eminence,"_ means, in case it wasn't transparent, that they have given the Fire Lord four hours to acquiesce to their demands. It's a threat. : )

AN: Sorry 'bout, this but it may be a little while before I get the next chap out. Just put me on 'author alert' until you see it show up, then turn off the alert, ok? Sorry about this! Or comment with your email address or some way for me to contact you, if you're not interested in being bombarded with alerts for anything else I may write. I'm trying to give my betas more time to read the chaps, as they have their own lives, too, and deserve a break over the summer just like everyone else. Thanks! Please tell my wonderful betas, solitaryguard and kayanora, 'thank-you'! They really helped me improve the wording and flow of this chapter! (Sorry it was so long in coming!)

_Author's special request: Finally, please take a moment July 21_ _st_ _to think about Iroh's original voice actor, Mako Iwamatsu, and send your thoughts to his family._

* * *

**Chapter 7: Chapter 7**

* * *

**Title: "Girl Problems 2: Return of Girl Problems"**  
Author: Moor  
Genre: General/Humour/Parody  
Rating: uh… let's say T-M, just to be safe.  
Disclaimer: I make no claim to "Avatar".

AN: In this chapter, Zuko's to inform Toph about the feminine mystique; Admiral Pho and Princess Azula collide in a match made in … a zoo?! And-! … Well, other stuff happens, too. This chapter's full of funk—I hope you enjoy!

* * *

ABOARD THE D.C.T.

"But you don't understand!"

The air was thick with barely bridled tension and hostility, and the temperature was rising fast. The small metal-sided room caged them, literally and figuratively, and would bear witness to the unleashing of unimaginable fury. The bedsheets were rumpled, papers, scraps, and debris littered the ground already, and a chair had just been thrust back so quickly it had fallen over entirely with a clatter to the floor.

The smell of lupo-chicken poop was pretty rank, too.

Amidst the chaos, a lone young man struggled to get his arms around a loose lupo-chicken as it flapped and bit him. He looked beseechingly at the Fire Nation princess and she raised her hand in preparation for fiery punishment.

"You have it backwards Admiral Pho; it is you who do not seem to comprehend the issue. Now, answer me, Admiral..." her eyebrow raised threateningly and she held herself casually still. "As there are very strict guidelines regulating the possession and maintenance of undomesticated animals, not only in the Fire Nation lands but on board  _my ship_ ," she stated calmly, "why are you keeping these charming companions here in your own personal quarters?"

Still herding his vicious 'pets' into their pen (a sorely abused, abandoned cabbage crate located under his writing desk—he sealed the door shut with a weathered stick of what looked like driftwood), Pho tried to smile reassuringly back at his superior. "Oh, you know, it's nice to have some company, something to talk to when I come in at night, to look after, that kind of thing— _ow!_  You hateful little beasts…" He glared momentarily at the culprit before spinning around and beaming another bright smile at Azula. "See! They're just full of spirit!"

"You will return these animals to the cook's storerooms immediately, or I will enjoy them as a snack on my walk back to my room."

Pho's smile faltered slightly, but he remained optimistic. "Oh your Highness, I'm sure you don't mean that! Look at them, they're very friendly! They're just as cuddly as a-."

The flames in Azula's raised hand danced slightly higher and turned from orange-red to blue-white. Her other hand rested on her hip. Her eyebrows drew together and her eyes narrowed to slits.

It would have been impossible for the admiral not to have recognized her dwindling patience.

But for Pho, the impossible became possible…

"Could I just keep one? I'll take really good care of it, I promise, and I'll-."

"I've had enough of your insubordination, Admiral Pho." She took aim and the lightning crackled in anticipation of consuming its target. Her voice then became, amazingly, lighthearted. "I suppose I should really thank Agni for finally having a reason to get rid of you."

" _But they made a break for freedom on deck! They_ deserve _to_ live!" he screamed, and leapt desperately in front of his beloved, ungrateful charges just as the princess issued the blast. (Not his most well-thought out move…)

"Well, that was certainly stupid," her regal voice carried impertinently on the air after the din.

_xXx_

MAINLAND, EARTH KINGDOM COAST: SOMEWHERE IN THE FOREST

"So, I was thinking," said Sokka, as Aang casually airbended yet another casualty to the waiting wheelbarrow and they began unceremoniously hauling the less-than-proficient student away from the 'training circuit' Toph and Zuko had established, "we should get Zuko to talk to her tonight." The young man was reflecting on the situation, and certainly wanted to execute Zuko, er,  _the plan_ , as quickly and quietly as possible, while remaining completely blameless.

"Are you  _sure_  we shouldn't check with Katara first?" The young air monk didn't understand the full circumstances that surrounded girl problems, but he remembered the considerable lecture Zuko had sustained under Iroh's tutelage the last time Katara had been 'afflicted'. As 'girl problems' dealt with girls, he thought it would be a mighty fine starting point to ask the most senior one in their midst. Also, he wasn't altogether confident that Sokka was the all-knowing ladies man he claimed to be. Some of his previous advice had been a little off center… to the point of far left field…on a separate land mass.

Sokka waved off his friend's concerns. "Come on Aang, you were the one who thought of this idea in the first place. Trust me! This is exactly how it'll happen: Zuko talks to Toph; Zuko screws up as only that pompous jerk can, and  _we_  end up with a prince in a convenient metal carrying case; in a Fire Nation motif, of course." He finished with flourish, and Aang couldn't help but visualize Prince Zuko in a handy-dandy metal coffin made of his own double-plated reinforced armour, similar to the one Bumi had been trapped in… But Zuko would be without Bumi's pleasant, manic demeanour.

"Trust me," he repeated, and this immediately made the younger man more wary, "Aang, Zuko's the go-to guy on this one. We'll talk to him after he finishes up his next round."

"Yeah…I guess…but aren't you getting a little too into this?"

Now that they were actually going through with the plan, Aang felt a pang of dread; while it was true that he came up with the original idea, the enthusiasm Sokka was now displaying was just a little disturbing. Obsessive didn't even come close to the water tribesman's vigor.

"Aang, my man, you're worrying too much…" was the glib reply.

They dumped their cargo in the lineup that had formed beside the spring from which they took their water. In the shade of a few leafy palms, Katara sat patiently healing as many patients as she could at a time – pacified at least by the fact that her water-octopus skills had finally found another use…

_xXx_

LATER THAT AFTERNOON

Zuko gave Sokka a vaguely insulted  _are-you-flipping-crazy?_  look. He'd finally removed his helmet, but just long enough to have a quick wash-up between sets.

"No."

"We think it's time you gave Toph her 'becoming a woman' talk. We'll leave it in your capable hands, ok? If you need help Iroh's a fantastic resource, from what I remember. So go get 'em, Tiger!"

Zuko looked from Aang's weakly confident expression back to an ecstatic Sokka. "Have you been hitting the mushrooms again? Your sister warned me about that, you know, and the cactus juice."

"No and no, but thank you for your concern, and leave my honourable sister out of this." Sokka's tone was grating and he bit off each syllable. "By the way, she thinks your armour smells, and I am beginning to agree with her; it has definitely turned from a manly musk to offensive pungency."

"Go tell Katara to talk to her," Zuko leaned over the basin to run more water over his sweaty face, ignoring the two annoying young men beside him and their requests. He'd never known the waterbending master to not have an opinion on things, or be trying to meddle her way into taking care of their group. This was her job, clearly.

"Good, so we're agreed you'll handle it tonight after supper!" Sokka's cheerfulness as he patted Zuko on the back was like that of a father complimenting a son after a monumental achievement. He gave no indication he'd listened to or heard the prince's comments.

"Good luck, Zuko. We're rooting for you," added Aang as the two younger men turned away to return to their patient-displacement stations outside the ring. They could hear Toph calling everyone back after their break, and hustled so as not to miss a moment of the stimulating training. And by 'stimulating training', they meant impact within the one-sided earthbending rumble- Toph's side, obviously, was the winning side...

They weren't immediately joined by their latest comrade, though. The prince stood a bit apart, still at his private wash station. (Private, as no one voluntarily went near him other than the members of the GAang.) Zuko stared at his rippling reflection in the water basin, lost in thought.

Returning to his position in the ring's obstacle course a few moments later, one earth bender overheard him mumbling to himself, "… doesn't smell…" the prince paused, "that bad…"

_xXx_

ABOARD THE D.C.T.

Now that they were underway and out at sea, the ship could assume a normal running state: weapons systems were prepared and maintained; the supplies moved from loading bins to their proper storage lockers; and finally, the crew caught up with each other on the major events in each of their personal lives since their last sortie together. War craft sweet war craft, this ship was a home away from home for all on board.

In Admiral Po's posh lounge, Mai and Admiral Po were discussing the most effective oils to employ on a particular blend of alloy-based blade. Across from them, Ty Lee and Admiral Mo chattered pleasantly - about urban myths surrounding, of all things, jugglers and their many attractive attributes - and enjoyed each other's company.

"So you're all moved in to your new rooms?" Mo asked Ty Lee, offering her a fresh cup of tea.

"Oh yeah! I even put up my pictures! Mai never let me, before. I have this really hot one of this boy I met. He's not Fire Nation, but he's a great dancer and has the prettiest blue eyes, and the biggest-."

" _Ty Lee!"_

"—boomerang you've ever seen!"

A slim pale hand rubbed her ever-throbbing head, but Mai eeked out a quirky smile, regardless. Together, the small group bonded in peaceful companionship, blissfully unaware of the carnage ensuing just down the hall.

…Until they heard Pho's shriek and Bo's thundering footsteps streak past their door in a mad dash.

The small group looked up, then at each other in confusion and mild alarm.

"When and where were we supposed to adjourn for that meeting about that stowaway excuse?" Po's voice had a peculiar intonation, Mei noted.

"Why is Bo running towards Pho's quarters? Wasn't that supposed to be a roof?" Ty Lee asked slowly, eyes as big as saucers.

"Ruse, Ty, 'ruse'," corrected Mai, rising swiftly.

Mo was already at the door and barreling down the hall, the others racing behind her to catch up.

_xXx_

The smell of ozone lingered in the air like miasma.

Bo stood stock still.

Azula was still snarling, her fingers not even trembling from the aftershock of the blast. She was itching for another attack.

Pho lay sprawled across the floor, unmoving.

The room was very quiet.

…But smelled now of barbecued everything… and still poop. At first, he wasn't sure whether he should draw a weapon or check the soles of his boots.

"Your Highness," began Admiral Bo after swallowing and refusing to acknowledge the scents that assailed him any further, "may I attend to Admiral Pho?"

"Get him out of my sight," she turned on her heel. "Don't forget our arrangement, Admiral Bo. We'll discuss the details of the Agni Kai once you're through. And you are through, believe me."

She stalked away towards the bridge, not even acknowledging his bow. She turned a corner and was out of sight.

Bo didn't even have a moment's rest before he turned towards the sound of oncoming footsteps. From the other end of the hall, Admiral Mo rushed to his side and skidded smoothly to a halt beside him; dropping to her knees, she reached across her long-time friend's immobile form, cradling him gently and trying to rouse him. "Pho, come on, speak to me. Pho? Pho, honey? Right now, Pho, this isn't funny, wake up, time to go…"

Po was the next to arrive, followed by Ty Lee and Mai leisurely bringing up the rear. The newcomers took in the damaged room littered with charred furniture, the rank smell reminding them somewhat of a Komodo Dragon stable, and the pair of admirals huddled together on the singed, warped floor.

Ty Lee and Mai were silent. This was not their place; they were loyal to Azula. However they stayed, each for their own reasons, and in sympathy for their acquaintances. At the very least, to learn how their odds were to be changed…

"Mo, we need to take him to sick bay," Po's voice was soft now, compassionate; he was taking her arm and helping her stand again. She nodded, and slung Pho easily across her front, carrying him almost like a small child.

Po joined her as she carried their unresponsive colleague to the ship's medical ward. His frozen glare the only warning anyone foolish enough would receive who impended their path.

After a moment's hesitation, Ty Lee followed them. She didn't miss Mai's discreet glance.

Mai approached Bo, her arms crossed in front of her. She gave the room an appraising look, before her mouth quirked up in a smirk. She let out a low whistle… and sounded impressed, of all things.

"Amused?" Bo asked darkly. He'd been raised to be civil, to be even-tempered in all situations, but could barely restrain himself from striking the gothic girl as she mocked his friend's suffering. If he'd been wavering before, he was now utterly convinced that this particular hench wench was beyond unhinged.

"It's starting. Two days, at most."

They stood together in front of the wreckage; Mai, becoming bored now that the action had stopped, leaned casually against the remains of the door frame. Bo stood, expression closed as he tried to repress his anger and puzzle through what the girl declared.

"Pho will be fine, quit worrying, he wasn't directly hit. He's just knocked out by the shockwave," she shrugged.

"How did she not hit him? It was point-blank range! There was less than a meter of distance between them- "

"Did he have a mark on him?"

"He had marks  _all over_ him."

"A firebending strike?"

"… Not that I saw." He reconsidered. "She didn't miss him intentionally." Of that, he was sure. He spoke slowly, trying to decipher the strange, extraordinary situation.

"Oh no, she meant to kill him," assured Mai. Her confidence was not helping Bo's demeanor, and he felt the tendons in his neck throbbing with pressure. "But… it's starting."

Bo felt like ripping his hair out at her cryptic remarks. No, better yet, the meatballs of _Mai's_  hair. " _What_  is starting?"

The young woman gave him an odd look. "Didn't Mo talk to you about…"

She trailed off suggestively.

And suddenly he understood.

"You mean, when she's… She's less accurate?"

"Once she's really… She can't hit the broadside of a barn. Can barely start a firespark, actually."

Somehow, Bo didn't believe her. He was remembering the rumours of the ruined palace wing. "But she's challenging me to an Agni Kai."

"She's just PMSing."

"That doesn't solve my problem."

Mai shrugged. "If you need  _help_ …"

He turned away from the ruins of Pho's room (so similar to the West Wing) and regarded Mai skeptically.

"Mo mentioned something else to me, about your… side pursuits."

The dark-haired girl waited for him to continue.

"This will cost me, won't it?"

"I serve her royal Highness Princess Azula of the-."

"Fire Nation, yes. I serve the Fire Nation, too. You also serve in the interests of the best financial return, however, from what I've seen." Mai smiled almost like he'd complimented her—it didn't stop him from continuing. If anything, it spurred him on.

"Azula could have chosen anyone to help her on her little missions; other firebenders, other members of the royal family; other strategists," he informed her seriously. "But she chose two people, two trusted, adept friends, who were very good at things she  _couldn't_  do. She covers her bases. I have watched that demon-spawn since she was a little girl - I probably spent more time in that palace than you did- and I've seen what she's capable of." His eyes flashed with memory, of friendships, of cruelties witnessed and never forgotten. Mai didn't miss a glint, though she still appeared bored. She stifled a yawn.

"So forgive me if I don't believe you when you say she 'can't even start a firespark'. She knows how to get around her deficiencies. She took out that palace wing somehow, and she has a plan to defeat me in that Agni Kai. I don't see any reason why you would help me instead of her in this situation, Lady Mai."

He was nearly thrumming with anger, going through as many of his limited options as fast as he could. The anger that had gripped him and flooded him with emotion a moment before left him, almost as if it had never taken hold. He had better things to do than argue with an obstinate teenager. The admiral was desperate to go see Pho in sick bay, to find out if Mai really had told the truth about him not being directly hit.

A strangled sigh escaped his lips, and he glanced away from the young woman leaning on the doorframe across from him. It was like she was just watching him and waiting for him to concede defeat. He wouldn't. He paused, unmoving, before making his decision.

Pho.

He was leaving; as he turned away from her, finally, she spoke.

"Who says I wouldn't be helping both of you? And myself in the meantime," she amended at his snort of derision.

"Do you really think you can compete with my training as a strategist?"

"I bet you every gold coin I have – and will collect by the end of this mission – that it's more about timing than strategy."

"… and the West Wing I keep hearing about?" he asked gruffly.

"It was timing. Very, very  _bad_  timing…"

Bo regarded her silently.

"The Sages had it coming, though," she added candidly.

"You're really not cut out to be a motivational speaker." The admiral had relaxed substantially, however, during the discussion with Mai. The corners of his mouth pulled upwards slightly as he wondered aloud, "Are you doing this because you like me?"

"No." There was no doubt in her voice. His pride wasn't wounded. "You know, you really need to stop asking questions you already know the answers to," she retorted pointedly at his attempt at humour.

"How did she take out the Sages' residence in the palace?" he finally asked.

Mai chuckled. "Go see Pho."

With that, she strolled away, her long robes flowing around her and muffling her evenly paced steps.

Making his decision and mentally calculating the value of his liquidable assets, Bo made his way to sick bay.

"… _Squawk_ _!"_

" _WhatinAgni'sname—_ ," Bo's stomach just about bottomed out, and he raised a hand to calm the near-heart attack…

Behind him, a lone lupo-chicken gave another tentative cry into the fuming silence. His heartbeat settled as he frowned deeply at the offending creature. He wanted to ignite it and send it overboard himself, but knew it would give away too much if he were to do so. Instead, he snapped back to himself and strode away, though his heart was somewhat lighter at what the little beast's active status represented.

Azula had, indeed, missed.

_xXx_

CAMP IWANNABEABENDA

Zuko lined up behind Katara to receive their evening meal.

He couldn't believe he was actually doing this.

"Your brother's up to something," he said.

While a little surprised Zuko had actually approached her, Katara felt greater unease clutch at her heart at the thought of the potential trouble Sokka could incite. "What has he done now, and please tell me it doesn't involve mushrooms…"

She glanced at him; he was still wearing his helmet. It looked… much more professional on him that evening. Surprise number two. Had he been polishing it? She tried to sniff without arousing suspicion – the suit had definitely been downgraded to 'manly musk' again.  _Thank the Spirits…_

Zuko shook his head slightly. "No, something he asked me to do. I don't think it is… appropriate for me to do it, though," he said, choosing his words carefully.

That really got her attention.

"Meet me by the stream after supper; we'll talk then," she said quietly. He nodded. They took their food and parted to sit at their usual respective spots.

Katara felt her appetite dwindle to nothing and quelled the glare she knew she was unconsciously directing at her brother.  _Go to your 'happy place', Katara; none of them can bother you there, and for all you know this is just a big misunderstanding you just need to talk out with Sokka again… No more mushrooms, no experimentation psyche experiments with firebending princes, please no unholy combination thereof..._

She felt her face go slightly pale.

 _Please,_ please _, no unholy option three…_

Though he'd been out of earshot for the first bit some distance away, Iroh hadn't missed the exchange between the two. He rubbed his hands together with glee—Zuko was finally having a covert rendez-vous after dark with a young lady!

The former Dragon of the West broke out his diary and started writing his latest entry of the day; and a list of things to discuss with Zuko when he next saw him. Beside him, Toph turned her head at the scratching. "What's up, Teabag?"

"Oh, just coming up with some poetry; I've been quite inspired!"

Toph snorted as she slurped her tea. "As long as it isn't love poetry – that stuff stinks…"

_xXx_

"So what's he up to now?"

Zuko stood a few feet away from her at the water's edge, leaning against a tree. In full armour. Katara's voice made its way to him easily, carried on the shore breeze. She sounded tired and drawn.

"Your brother thinks Toph needs someone to talk to her about something. He said I was supposed to do it. I think you'd be more suited for it."

"Talk to her about what?" asked the water bender tiredly. She felt a chill and pulled the clock closer around herself. Her stomach tightened in its usual ache and she humbled a soft groan of discomfort. She needed to get back to her tea before she was sick from her cramps.

"About woman-things you'd know more about," the irascible prince bit off.

"What are you-? Oh." The light went on. "Why did he ask you?"

"Because your brother wants me dead."

"Oh."

She stared up at the stars, her attention slipping away as she tried to master her pain. It was almost making her dizzy. Zuko's irritated grunt at not even being contradicted brought Katara back to the matter at hand.

"Did he say anything else?"

"No."

Sighing, Katara rubbed her head and sat down on a smooth boulder. "Ok. Could you go get her for me, please? I might as well get this over with—." A sharp pain caused her to nearly double-over; a breath hissed out between her clenched teeth. She wrapped both her arms around her middle as if to hold herself together.

"What's wrong?" he asked her cautiously. He didn't want to bring Toph back to a dead water bender. He didn't think he'd get off the hook for that one for a long time.

"The same thing you want me to tell Toph about," she muttered.

"I don't think this is the best way to bring it up with her."

"Oh thank you, your Royal Highness Medical Expert on Female Anatomy! Are you going to teach me how to braid my hair next?"

Zuko never had been one to let an insult go. Especially not from someone who was supposedly a natural prodigy at healing and bending. It was one of the things he'd always disliked about the young woman across from him; that she was so naturally good at things. Just like Azula.

"What is wrong with you? What kind of 'master' are you?" He said arrogantly, adding insult to injury. "Can't you just forget about it for a few minutes while you—."

Katara leapt to her feet in anger. "No, I can't just forget about it, you ignorant, insensitive, royal jerk— _ah_!" The rest was lost as she stumbled, clutching her stomach and curling in on herself.

"Just go away… I don't care, just go away…" Humiliated, the young water tribe maiden turned her head away from him and tried to bend some water from the bank to ease the muscle tension in her stomach, but couldn't keep her focus.

Unimpressed, Zuko watched her rise slowly to a sitting position and put out a graceful hand, calling some of the water to her.

"Damnit," she mumbled, and was even more embarrassed that Zuko of all people had to witness the one moment she couldn't even bend a water-whip. The tendril of water she'd summoned wavered and fell back to the source with a disappointing  _slap_. She struggled into a kneeling position and eased herself back to lean against the boulder. The colour had drained from her face and her eyes were nearly feverish. She closed them a moment to regain her composure before glaring at him.

"Get lost, Zuko," she said softly, but curtly. "Just forget about Toph, I'll take care of it. Go meditate or something, you're good at that. Stupid jerk."

"Crazy waterbender," he muttered, heading back to camp. Here he was trying to help, and all he gets is yelled at. Some things never change. One foot in front of the other, and he was nearly out of sight of her.

His comment, on the other hand, was just loud enough for Katara to hear.

_Slap!_

Zuko's shoulders tensed in compound frustration as he felt the waterwhip smack the back of his head in retaliation. So she wasn't completely bending-destitute. How marvelous. He ground his teeth and kept walking.

_xXx_

"Where's Katara?" asked Aang, peering around the camp. Several faces peered back at him, but not the one he was hoping to see. Everyone else was preparing to head to bed, and he hadn't seen his friend since supper.

"She's probably gone to bed early. You know what she's like when she's like this," reassured Sokka.

"She's not in bed," said Toph. "She didn't come back after she went for her walk. I thought she went water-bending."

Aang glanced up at the sky. What had started as a very clear night was turning dark with thunderheads rolling in. "Did she say where?"

"I'm guessing near the  _water_ ," Sokka gave Aang a disbelieving look. Aang declined the invitation to face-palm himself. Toph didn't.

It didn't take long for the earth bender to recover; she slid her foot smoothly along the ground to sweep the area for confirmation. It was probably a good idea to check some of those wayward foxholes they'd bended earlier, anyway, for stragglers…

"She isn't nearby." Her voice carried towards the fire benders in their group. "Hey, Iroh?"

"Yes, Miss Toph?" Iroh's reply held more than his usual warm smile, for some reason.

"You seen Katara lately? She isn't here."

"I thought she went to the water's edge by the forest outcropping. Has she not returned?" Iroh had seen Zuko return hours earlier, before the young man had stomped off again in another direction. The abdicated Fire Lord stroked his beard thoughtfully. He'd assumed it had been a minor spat that had separated them. If Katara hadn't returned, though, perhaps it was more serious than he'd thought…

"Let me ask Zuko if he's seen her," he called over to Toph, and set off on the path he'd last seen his nephew take. It led to an area they used to practice their fire bending meditation.

"Thanks, Teabag!"

"My pleasure!"

Aang and Sokka were talking in quiet tones, and Haru approached as Toph joined them.

"Is everything ok?" he asked in concern as he noted their expressions.

"I think so," said Sokka. His eyes said otherwise.

"We just haven't seen Katara since supper," explained Aang. "She's usually back early on… uh, nights like this." He wasn't sure if it was polite to mention a girl's girl problems to another young man.

"I saw her talking to Zuko after supper by the water – I'll go see if she's still there," offered the earth bender.

"Thanks, Haru!"

"No problem, Aang. If she isn't there, then we'll organize a small search party. She can't be too far away. You wait here with everybody else, that way we don't lose anyone if the storm gets here first."

Toph, Aang, Sokka and Haru discussed briefly the route Haru would take, and decided they'd wait an hour or so before sending someone after him if he didn't return.

"I'll be back soon, the shore isn't too far from here," the earth bender reassured them, and took off at a healthy pace, his pony-tail flying behind him.

Thunder bellowed from the heavens above, and a light sprinkle of rain fell upon the group.

"Let's head inside for now – hopefully Iroh and Haru will get back to us soon."

"I'm sure she'll be right back, Aang," said Sokka, patting Aang on the back in a brotherly manner.

"We'll get things ready for her for when she does get back," added Toph in a rare moment of kindness.

Sokka turned to stare at Toph. "Are you feeling ok?" The hair on the back of his neck was standing on end. His friend was showing human emotion… he was pretty sure this was 'caring'. His eyebrow raised.

"Never better. Why?"

Sokka glanced at Aang – and both wondered whether Zuko had held up his end of the deal.

_xXx_

"I said she was by the shore," answered Zuko in a level voice, his eyes still closed as he meditated in the small clearing. The rain slicked down his exposed chest and front, and his hair was matted to his head. He didn't seem to be bothered by it.

"Nephew, I've told you; she hasn't returned home and her friends are worried about her. What happened? Could she still be there?" Iroh's voice was stern and pleading at the same time. He didn't want to poke too far into his young relation's private affairs, other than to tease him mercilessly of course, but that no one had heard from her was a bit disconcerting. The rain pattered softly on his umbrella, and he waited for Zuko to reply. Several moments of silence hung between them while the water beat a soft rhythm on the taut canvas above him.

"We talked, she told me to get lost, I left," Zuko's shoulders tensed slightly, however he held himself otherwise still. Iroh recognized Zuko's resentment at having been dismissed by the young lady, and sympathized. He hoped it ended there.

"Where did you leave her exactly? Was she alright?"

"Do you want me to go back and check on her like she's a child?!" The young man dropped all pretense of spiritual sanctuary as he glared up at his prodding uncle. "She's a master bender, Uncle. She's just like Azula. She'll be fine."

Iroh felt his spine tingle with uncertainty when he heard the prince actually start defending the water maiden's prowess before it was challenged. This was a very bad sign. It was even worse when he understood  _"She'll be fine"_  instead of  _"She was fine."_  Something had happened.

"On our nation's honour, Prince Zuko, you go back there right now and you bring her home to her family," threatened Iroh softly.

The younger royal's face soured as he protested.

"Uncle, she told me to get-."

But the Dragon of the West had already turned away, the rain around them changing from a faint drizzle to a more consistent downfall. He disappeared into the trees.

Zuko sat a moment longer before growling deep in his throat.

Picking up his rapidly-soaking shirt and slapping it onto his naked torso for cover, the prince stood stiffly and clenched his fists as he started off in the direction of the shore.

_xXx_

ABOARD THE D.C.T. – SICK BAY

"The doctors say it looks mostly like a concussion and some minor burns and bruises from the impact. Nothing too serious," assured the evening nurse to Admiral Bo as he waited outside Pho's ward's doorway. "If he were anyone else, we'd try and keep him awake for the night to make sure there was no permanent brain damage, but we've treated Admiral Pho before, and we understand that concerns regarding brain damage are usually exagerrated" The nurse gave half-smile at the latter comment, accustomed to the exuberant admiral's frequent visits to the ward.

"And the young man who was brought in a few days ago?"

"Recovering well. He's asleep right now, though, so we ask you please not disturb him unless it is absolutely necessary."

"Excellent, thank you for your usual good work. Dismissed."

The nurse gave a curt bow and gave the admirals their privacy.

Bo stepped into the room and joined his colleagues at Pho's bedside. Ty Lee had left earlier for bed.

Po had a hand rubbing gently on Mo's back as she sat in her chair, slumped forward asleep across Pho's bed. She had a shawl around her shoulders, and Bo wondered vaguely from where it had materialized until he remembered Po's talents with textiles. He'd probably had one of his man-servants whip it up. It matched both the draperies and the bedding.

The sudden mental-image of Po's team of hot-pant-clad minions mincing around and giggling over matching notions assailed Bo's already beleaguered mind.  _This one is going to take more than meditation to burn out_ , he realized, and eyed his colleague accusingly.  _The man was a fashion genius, even when he was suffering the near-loss of a friend…_

Pulling his thoughts back to the present, the leader glanced over at the style-savvy outfitter. "So his thick skull saved him again?"

Po's mouth twisted up in a smirk. The semi-serious, though still mocking expression looked foreign on his normally-animated face. "Better than a helmet."

"How long's she been here?" Bo nodded at the only woman in their group. Mo didn't make a sound outside of her level breathing.

"She never left."

Bo's mouth tightened.

"You think she'd leave? Voluntarily? I'm too smart to try and force her. I  _like_  where my…appendages are." Po was regaining his usual aplomb.

"He's going to be fine."

"You know  _why_ , though."

"Mph." Bo grumbled and mentally called his fellow admiral a sentimental sap.

Po chuckled deeply, his effeminate nature completely dissolved as he stood with his closest friends. They'd known each other most of their lives; and in such circumstances, facades would tire them just as much as their worries would.

"Mai spoke with you?" he asked, and Bo looked at him sharply.

"What do you know about that?"

Po's raised one of his eyebrows. He shook his beautiful head.

"We can't underestimate them, Bo. Use them to your advantage."

He let out a long breath as he considered Po's advice.

"Do you want me to talk to Mai for you?" asked Po.

"I'll think it over." It was quiet for a time as Bo weighed his options.

"When he wakes up I'm going to beat the living daylights out of him for this," he eventually said sourly, glaring at Pho's serene, if slightly damaged face. "Do you think he'll mind?"

"He'll be thrilled," chuckled Po honestly, a twinkle in his eyes.

Pho made a light sound in his sleep and tossed a bit, and Mo stirred and clutched the bed covers tightly in her pale hands. Bo shook his head and pulled up a chair, while the 'gay' admiral never ceased the soothing movements on Mo's back as she slept faithfully by Pho's side.

"I'd feel a lot better about all this if I weren't the one in charge for once," admitted Bo.

Po looked at him thoughtfully, the gears of strategy churning behind his intelligent eyes. "There is a way…"

_xXx_

It was the dead of the night as Mai returned to her room from her daily bookie-meeting, cash box clanking softly beside her. It had become quite heavy after the rumours had spread about the evening's incidents in Pho's room. Oh, the glorious, glorious rumours – Pho's cheeks would probably burn if he only knew what he'd started…

She felt an arrogant smile grace her face as she saw the man waiting for her outside her doorway. A sack of gold was tied at his waist.

"I'm flattered you waited up for me," she said, stopping in front of him. She held out her hand.

He dropped the purse into her palm coldly. "Don't sound so unsurprised."

"I'm sure you're just here to protect your wife and children. That's so noble of you, Admiral Bo. I wouldn't do that, you know."

He refused to give in to the urge that screamed at him to say  _'I know.'_

_xXx_

Zuko's mood had not improved much when he reached the shore and searched in vain for Katara's silhouette against the blackness. The rain was falling hard now and with the sound of the surf it was difficult to pick out any noise that wasn't water. He walked further up the bank and scanned the tree line to see if she'd taken shelter somewhere to wait out the storm.

A flash of lightning revealed a patch darker than the surrounding rock face; there was a cave there where he hadn't noticed one earlier that evening, when they'd been there before…

"Water bender, are you in there?" he called angrily.

There was movement, and something seemed to retreat into the cave.

_Great, now she's avoiding me._

"Your friends want you to go back right now!" he wanted to yell, but refused to give in and have it truly look like he was searching for her. That would be admitting he'd done something wrong. And he'd done exactly as she'd asked.

No reply. The pounding surf and drumming rain drowned out nearly everything but the occasional thunder that shook the ground he walked on.

He stalked towards the cave and bended a flame in his hand to light the way, livid that she'd made him go out of his way to find her.

"Katara, your friends are worried and want you to—…"

His topaz eyes took in the scene in a heartbeat, and his heart stopped at that beat.

Katara's shirt was discarded on the ground.

She was lying on her stomach on a patch of sand.

Her cheeks were flushed.

Haru was straddling her.

His hands were on her back.

And Katara, unmoving, was making moaning sounds.

For a second, Zuko's thought stream stopped dead at the sight before him. Then it went into overdrive.

Ignoring the consequences of his actions, Zuko grabbed the other young man by the throat, threw him up against the wall of the cave, his flaming hand a hair's breadth from Haru's shocked face.

"What do you think you're doing to her?" he snarled.

_xXx_

ABOARD THE D.C.T.

Azula stood on the bridge of the Debilitating Crimson Tide staring out into the rain that battered the side of her ship.

Pho had been lucky. He had been quicker than she'd given him credit for. He had tricked her. He had led her into a trap.

Her eyes were slightly narrowed as she glared at the blackness beyond the windows. Dawn would be coming soon. She could feel the sun speeding its way to the horizon and calling to her. It normally made her feel alive; on the bridge, at that moment, it only increased her anxiety, as if she were approaching a slippery slope and someone had taken away her shoes.

Her focus remained on Pho: The man had the spirits' own luck, that was all. He possessed something that protected him; some good luck charm of Agni's own making, that  _must_  be it.

As she sipped her tea and felt some of her pain ease, she sniffed through her nose.

She refused to admit she had missed.

"Your Highness, it will be the changing of the shift soon – would you like anything brought to you?" asked the captain cautiously. The princess had been on the bridge for several hours, pacing like a panther and making the entire crew uneasy as they waited for her to spring.

Azula's bewitching gold eyes met those of the captain's. "Yes," she said in a beautiful voice, coming to her decision. "Bring me Admiral Bo."

_xXx_

Ty Lee and Mai had met up after the subdued acrobat had left Pho's side in sick bay. The normally-spry one of their pair yawned mightily and stretched before settling against the guardrails on deck.

"Ok, sign here and off it goes," monotoned Mai, handing the scroll to her friend. Ty Lee scrawled her name at the bottom of the Incident Report. Mai stamped it and tied it to the leg of a messenger bird.

"Now?" asked Ty Lee, her eyes barely open.

"Now," agreed Mai.

The bird took flight and they watched it as far as their eyes could make it out in the darkness.

"You know, we're going to run out of messenger birds if we have to keep doing this," mumbled Ty Lee thoughtfully. "Then how will we communicate with Fire Lord Ozai? He wouldn't know what was going on anymore." It was true – they were getting too far from shore to keep sending the animals, and the ship's communication system was insecure. They just may need to start training Pho's remaining lupo-chickens to transmit their updates to his Highness soon, if things got any more exciting.

"Yes, we could make up any story we wanted and he'd have no other choice but to believe us," Mai leaned on the railing, observing something fascinating in the darkness. "That would be awful…" As the ship cut through the waves, the wind billowed Mai's hair around her slender shoulders, and her cape undulated with the force of it. While silent, she kept thinking, and came to another realization.  _He'd really have to believe anything they said._  
  
Mai smiled.

* * *

AN: Please give a huge round of applause to my betas, Kayanora and SolitaryGuard: their keen observations and great sense of humour made all the difference in this chapter! (It was awful until they got their hands on it!)  
AN: I'm so sorry, I'm terrible at drama, and this chapter admittedly had a lot of that—I did try to lighten most of it up, though. Thanks for reading in spite of my lacking skills!  
AN: Also, the part I wrote about "Azula choosing two people who could do things she couldn't do," is not my original idea – it is from a woman who took part in a panel discussion about "Avatar" at a con (Anime North) I attended this past spring (May 2007). I didn't get her name, otherwise I'd credit her properly!  
AN: I'm so sorry it took me so long to write this chapter! (4 months, ouch.)

AN: This chapter posted November 17th, 2007.


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